January 2014
1. Raise the issue at an appropriate time that works for both of you.
2. If it’s not a good time for one of you, set a time/date to discuss the issue.
3. Agree to discuss one issue and stay on track.
4. Begin the conversation by asking your partner to describe how they feel related to the issue. Your role is to listen.
5. When they are finished, respond by re-stating what you have heard. Check with them to see if your understanding is correct. Your role is to understand.
6. Ask open-ended questions to allow your partner to go deeper into their side of the issue. ‘What’, ‘How’ and ‘When’ questions are good. ‘Why’ questions are not allowed. Your role is to clarify.
7. Once you fully understand what your partner is saying, validate their perspective. Stay away from problem-solving. Your role is to help them feel understood.
8. Respond with empathy, such as, “I hear you saying you feel [insert feeling] about this issue. Is that right?” Your role is to build connection.
9. It’s time to switch roles. Ask your partner to use the same structure. Your role is to now share your own feelings openly.
10. If at any point, you or your partner begin to feel triggered and upset – take a time-out and schedule another time to pick up the conversation.
Go in peace.
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