Tag Archives | self-worth

What Makes Me Feel Good About Me?

By in Christian, People Pleasing

Summer 2018

Identity orbits around the questions: Who am I? And, what makes me feel good about me?

Identity relates to our basic values that lead us to the choices we make (e.g., marriage, relationships, career, children, volunteer work, etc). These choices reflect who you are and what you value.

A person holds various perceptions of themselves;  father, athlete, lawyer, friend. Each position has its own meaning and becomes internalized as “my identity”.

We begin the exploration of “who am I?” in childhood as a function of normal development.  And in early adolescence, we become acutely aware of the contradictions within ourselves: I act one way with my friends and another way with my parents and another way with my teachers.

We all have an innate yearning to develop and nurture choices that are consistent with our true self. To deny the true self is to deny the best within us.

Dr. Terry Wardle is a Christian author and provides outstanding Christian-oriented trainings for psychologists, therapists and spiritual directors.  I’ve had the opportunity to attend two of his trainings in Ashland, Ohio.

In his book, Identity Matters: Discovering who you are in Christ, Dr. Wardle explains that identity is the foundation upon which we build our individual uniqueness.  Identity secures that which satisfies our deepest longings.

Understanding our identity really does matter. It is the foundation of well-being, self-esteem, and self worth that directly influences our quest for purpose and significance in life.

Unfortunately, as children, we develop strategies to feel good about ourselves, building our identity around performance and/or people pleasing.   As we move into adulthood, those strategies strengthen and become narrow, twisting, dead-end pathways.  There is no sustainable sense of security, happiness or connection.

Do you identify with one or the other of these statements?

  • People-Oriented Identity: I feel good about myself when certain people are happy with me.   
  • Performance-Oriented Identity: I feel good about myself when I’m meeting/exceeding my performance goals

Most people want the source of their problems to come from the outside and they hope the solution is the same.  But, the most important work that sets us free, is based on our identity in Christ and that takes place deep within our souls.

People are wearing themselves out on this treadmill of self-promotion, achievement and pleasing others — unaware that their identity has been built on shifting sand.

This bears emphasizing…..there is nothing wrong with hard work and doing things for others.  The point is — other people and performance cannot create a sustainable joy and happiness in how we feel about ourselves.

A solid Christian identity rests upon the rock solid promise that we are the children of God — and that is enough to sustain us.

I can’t proclaim that my identity is built on Christ and twist in the wind when certain people are disappointed in me (people identity) or beat myself up because I failed at something (performance identity).

Happiness in life cannot be achieved solely through pursuit of things we find pleasurable.  Those things are fleeting.  Happiness is a by-product of how we live in harmony with one’s true self.If you are not experiencing a sustainable happiness, joy and peace that comes from within — I recommend, Identity Matters.

If you get the foundation right, everything else comes together. Get the foundation wrong, life or work or relationships can feel shaky, insubstantial, tenuous and/or flimsy.

This concept of identity is transformational.  Identity Matters helps to get the foundation right.

The journey forward to our true self in Christ is a journey backward to the woundings that created our false self.

~  Dr. Terry Wardle, author

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Banish the Belief “I’m Not Good Enough”

By in Mindfulness, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

Winter 2018

Most people hear it – know it’s there – and have become accustomed to it. It’s that little critical voice inside of your brain, constantly evaluating, criticizing and shaming you with a message, “not good enough.”

 It’s the annoying voice of evaluation that prevents you from finding enjoyment or freedom in what you do.  I refer to it as the Self-Critic or Inner Critic.

The Inner Critic can be hard to locate because it operates under the radar — almost like a constant hum in our subconscious.   

Critics rob us of the ability to enjoy and live in the present moment. Critics like to hang around in the background of our brain; judging and telling us where we’re failing.  They use a comparison stick that never goes in our favor.

You might notice that Inner Critic is loud when you’re trying something new, when you’ve made a mistake, when you’ve violated your own moral code or when your performance is sub-par.

Critics watch our behavior and other people’s reactions — and nail us quickly and swiftly.  If there’s any addictive behavior; alcohol, porn, pills, affairs, gambling, shopping or eating — there’s almost always a Critic, hating us for that behavior.

Inner Critics cause feelings of “others are seeing me in my badness”; worthless, depressed, anxious, fear of failure, fear of abandonment/rejection, not good enough, etc. 

Inner Critics typically start in childhood.  As adults, that critical “software” never stops playing, even though it’s outdated and no longer effective. Those comparison messages continue to run in the background – and tear down our self-worth.

Quieting the Inner Critic

I highly recommend you work either with a therapist or use Mark Coleman’s book: Make Peace with Your Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can free you from Your Inner Critic.

The natural inclination is to drive out the negative self-talk with ineffective and fleeting strategies such as; TV, people pleasing, booze, gambling, eating, perfectionism, affairs, anger, controlling others and/or workaholism. 

None of these are a permanent solution. 

Compassion is the balm that melts self-criticism.  If you don’t know how to give yourself compassion — seek outside help.

The Inner Critic is behind the insidious thoughts that can make us second-guess our every action and doubt our own value.

―Mark Coleman, Author, Make Peace with Your Mind

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