Tag Archives | self-esteem

What Makes Me Feel Good About Me?

By Elizabeth Galanti in Christian, People Pleasing

Summer 2018

Identity orbits around the questions: Who am I? And, what makes me feel good about me?

Identity relates to our basic values that lead us to the choices we make (e.g., marriage, relationships, career, children, volunteer work, etc). These choices reflect who you are and what you value.

A person holds various perceptions of themselves; father, athlete, lawyer, friend. Each position has its own meaning and becomes internalized as “my identity”.

We begin the exploration of “who am I?” in childhood as a function of normal development. And in early adolescence, we become acutely aware of the contradictions within ourselves: I act one way with my friends and another way with my parents and another way with my teachers.

We all have an innate yearning to develop and nurture choices that are consistent with our true self. To deny the true self is to deny the best within us.

Dr. Terry Wardle is a Christian author and provides outstanding Christian-oriented trainings for psychologists, therapists and spiritual directors. I’ve had the opportunity to attend two of his trainings in Ashland, Ohio.

In his book, Identity Matters: Discovering who you are in Christ, Dr. Wardle explains that identity is the foundation upon which we build our individual uniqueness. Identity secures that which satisfies our deepest longings.

Understanding our identity really does matter. It is the foundation of well-being, self-esteem, and self worth that directly influences our quest for purpose and significance in life.

Unfortunately, as children, we develop strategies to feel good about ourselves, building our identity around performance and/or people pleasing. As we move into adulthood, those strategies strengthen and become narrow, twisting, dead-end pathways. There is no sustainable sense of security, happiness or connection.

Do you identify with one or the other of these statements?

People-Oriented Identity: I feel good about myself when certain people are happy with me.
Performance-Oriented Identity: I feel good about myself when I’m meeting/exceeding my performance goals

Most people want the source of their problems to come from the outside and they hope the solution is the same. But, the most important work that sets us free, is based on our identity in Christ and that takes place deep within our souls.

People are wearing themselves out on this treadmill of self-promotion, achievement and pleasing others — unaware that their identity has been built on shifting sand.

This bears emphasizing…..there is nothing wrong with hard work and doing things for others. The point is — other people and performance cannot create a sustainable joy and happiness in how we feel about ourselves.

A solid Christian identity rests upon the rock solid promise that we are the children of God — and that is enough to sustain us.

I can’t proclaim that my identity is built on Christ and twist in the wind when certain people are disappointed in me (people identity) or beat myself up because I failed at something (performance identity).

Happiness in life cannot be achieved solely through pursuit of things we find pleasurable. Those things are fleeting. Happiness is a by-product of how we live in harmony with one’s true self.If you are not experiencing a sustainable happiness, joy and peace that comes from within — I recommend, Identity Matters.

If you get the foundation right, everything else comes together. Get the foundation wrong, life or work or relationships can feel shaky, insubstantial, tenuous and/or flimsy.

This concept of identity is transformational. Identity Matters helps to get the foundation right.

The journey forward to our true self in Christ is a journey backward to the woundings that created our false self.

~ Dr. Terry Wardle, author

What’s Your Knee-Jerk Response?

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships, Stress Management, Work Issues

March 2015

A Powerful Predictor of Workplace Stress

The world is full of danger and when people feel safe, they trust and cooperate. When they don’t, they waste time and energy defending themselves from each other.

We live most of our lives wired and wound up, rarely pausing to relax or unplug from the daily grind. What are the consequences of your ever-hectic life? When you are stressed at work, you lose natural qualities of communication, compassion, patience, cooperation and creativity.

Why are some people and organizations more innovative, more influential and more profitable than others? Why do some people naturally command greater loyalty?

Research shows that what you do with your knee-jerk reaction is key to workplace stress.

Business relationships are often rocky due to poor communication, misinterpretation of facts and pressurized environments. Mole hills become mountains and mistakes become disasters in the course of a day.

Whether you are the president of the company or the assistant who sets up the conference room — your communication style can have an enormous affect on others.

Knee Jerk Reactions that Create Stress:
Passive or Aggressive Communication
When you don’t proactively ask for what you want or need from your employees/boss – you are passively communicating. With a passive style, you don’t often share your true thoughts and feelings, especially if you think it will lead to conflict. You aren’t direct and succinct during or after confrontation.

Passive communicators often believe they ‘aren’t good enough’ and that ‘other people are better’, and so you take the ‘one down’ position. This creates resentment and long-term stress. You might resort to sarcasm or gossip to indirectly communicate your feelings — neither are helpful.

If you use aggressive communication, you take the ‘one-up’ position. You might attack, belittle, blame, criticize and generally denigrate the other person to get what you want.

People who speak with an aggressive style tend to use the words, ‘always’ and ‘never.’ For example, an aggressive communicator might say, “You never finish your reports on time. You’re always sloppy!”

You might think your aggressive style is direct and effective but it tears down feelings of equality. Trust, faith, safety and goodwill in your workplace relationships will erode. People will eventually leave you or turn on you.

Reactions that Reduce Stress:
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is a balanced communication style that privileges each voice in the conversation equally. An assertive communicator will freely and respectfully disclose their feelings, thoughts, wants and needs in a way that can be heard by the other.

The basis of assertive communication is to treat all people equally. You support yourself in having a perspective and a voice, and you also respect that your employee has a perspective and a voice that may be different from yours, but is just as valuable.

Assertive communicators use ‘I’ language to express their thoughts and feelings.

Assertive communicators will expect that differences will arise in their team and be prepared to move into difficult and anxiety-provoking discussions with a goal of equality and resolution.

An assertive communicator doesn’t blame others for how they feel which is an important distinction from the aggressive communicator who will often blame others for the way they are feeling.

How to Shift Your Knee Jerk Response

1. Take a breath or 2 or 3. Slow yourself down for the briefest of pauses—just enough time to subvert your default reaction. In that moment, notice your gut reaction. How do you tend to handle poor performance? Do you get angry? Stressed? Needy? Distant? Your goal is to give people what they need to perform, not what you need to release.

2. Decide on the outcome you want. Be specific — maybe it’s improved performance. What does this particular person need in order to turn around this particular poor performance or failure? Maybe it’s help defining a stronger strategy, or brainstorming different tactics, or identifying what went right. Maybe they need to know you trust them, you’re on their side and that mistakes happen.

3. Choose a response that will achieve the outcome you want, rather than simply making your already obvious displeasure more obvious.

The added bonus in changing your knee-jerk response? It will improve your marriage and personal relationships, as well. An extra goody for you and everyone in your life.

Calming the Inner Critic

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction, Self-Esteem, Stress Management, Work Issues

September 2013

You likely know it’s there and have some awareness of it. The Inner Critic is that critical or shaming voice inside of your head that evaluates, criticizes, pushes, or critiques you. It might tell you that you are not good enough or that you are too much. It might be more global and say overarching things such as — you’re bad.

That Critic might push you to do/accomplish more — feeling like a slavedriver. Or, it might shame you after you’ve done something “wrong” such as making a mistake, eating too much or getting angry. It might tell you that you’re too big, your needs aren’t important or that you are being a nuisance to others.

If you feel inadequate or awful about yourself — it’s time to focus on your Inner Critic.

I was recently reading the lovely work of Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss (Personal Growth Programs). They have identified 7 types of Inner Critics:

TaskMaster pushes you very hard to accomplish a lot. It wants you to work hard and be successful. It fears that you may be mediocre or lazy and will be judged a failure. It drives you to work harder..

Perfectionist is all about quality of work — mistakes and flaws are not acceptable. This Critic has high standards and it does not want you to be judged, rejected or criticized.

Underminer is very uncomfortable with risk. It tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem and wants you to stay small to avoid failing, being hurt, judged or rejected.

Molder doesn’t allow for individuality and wants you to fit a mold that comes from society, your family or culture. It attacks you for not acting in a certain way and prevents your free expression.

Inner Controller tries to prevent pleasurable, decadent or addictive behavior that might not be good for you; overeating, drinking, sexual activity.  It fears that you will get out of control.

Guilt-Tripper crushes your conscience for some specific action you have taken (or not taken). It tries to protect you from repeating past mistakes by making sure you never feel free.

Destroyer depresses you, making pervasive attacks on your self-worth and shaming you. It makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding/respect.

The question I hear most often in my therapy room is — “Elizabeth, how do I get rid of that self-critical voice and feel better about myself?” The good news is — you can.

As a start — just begin to notice when the Critic surfaces. Try journaling to begin to clearly hear the words of the Inner Critic without hating it or trying to get rid of it — but rather being interested in it. Allow your memories to drift back to what was going on in your life when the Critic started to surface.

Ask the Critic some questions. Why do you push me like that? What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t criticize/shame me?

My own Critic criticizes/shames me because it is afraid that I’ll fail. That shaming voice inside my head pushes me to succeed. It started in highschool when I realized that I could gain more love/attention from my parents with my success in school and sports. The critical voice is afraid that if I fail — I’ll lose love from those around me.

When I was age 14, the Critic was helpful in pushing me to do well in those formative years of my life. It was developmentally appropriate for my age and helped me set personal, educational and career goals. Although, four decades later — that Critic has the potential of draining my energy and damaging my self-worth. What do you notice about your Critic?

The first step with the Critic is to notice it. Then the shift to soften it can begin.

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