Tag Archives | marriage

Let’s Talk About Happily-Ever-After

October 2015

There is a typical laundry list of factors that lead to divorce (loss of communication, inability to connect, feeling unloved, feeling misunderstood, etc.). With the high rate of divorce — the smartest thing that couples can do is to seek counseling before they say “I do.”

Some studies suggest that couples who engage in pre-marital counseling have lower divorce rates. The willingness to work on your relationship when you are still courting indicates a high probability that you will continue that work throughout the marriage. And, to have clear conversations about basics such as money, sex and children relieves a lot of pressure as you head into marriage.

I often ask the question to couples, “What’s the elephant in the room?” Or, “What gets pushed under the rug and not talked about?” That almost always opens up a tender subject.

I see how beneficial it is for couples to deal with problems early – before it morphs into the Great Wall of China. Why? Because the unhealthy patterns aren’t yet set in concrete.

After marriage, many couples settle into life and deal ineffectively with their problems which leads to consistent collapse in communication, absence of sexual relations or lack of quality time together. These relationships can typically be salvaged — with hard work by the couple.

As a therapist, I can say that the earlier a couple starts therapy, the better the prognosis for the health of the relationship.

The point is simple — couples counseling is a smart decision.

It might feel intimidating to think about expressing your pent-up anger, frustration and resentments. Although, it is the expression of these feelings in a structured context that actually allows two people to deal with them and begin getting back on track.

What can you expect out of Relationship Counseling?

1) Strengthen Communication Skills: Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that few people possess. Couples that communicate well can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively. Good listening and speaking skills include feeling prioritized, heard, validated and loved in the relationship.
How often am I formulating my defense or retreat or comeback or poison arrow — when my loved one is attacking or withdrawing?

2) Explore Relationship Balance: How much attention is paid to the “you,” “me” and “we” of the relationship? Couples who are out of balance can struggle with a number of issues. It’s important to identify whether you’re both satisfied with your relationship balance – or you might need to make a few adjustments.
Do I feel there’s a sense of equality and power balance in my relationship?

3) Identify Problematic Family of Origin Issues: People learn much of how to “be in a relationship” from parents and other early influences. If one partner (or both) experienced unhealthy examples from role models, it is helpful to explore that in regards to how it plays out in the relationship.
How was conflict handled in my childhood home and what did I learn about making an apology?

Let us pray for peace, and let us bring it about,
starting in our own homes.
~ Pope Francis

7 Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

June 2015

1. There’s been an affair.
People who have affairs find themselves in a confusing conflict between their values/morals and their behavior. For their partner, infidelity creates a violation of trust and a crisis of identity. Affairs are an act of betrayal and, living in this digital age, it can feel like death by a thousand cuts.

An affair redefines a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be for their marriage – whether it thrives, dies or merely survives.

2. You routinely have dead-end fights.
It’s normal for every couple to have disagreements from time to time. But if you’re feeling exhausted and hopeless from constantly fighting with your partner about things that never get resolved, then it’s time to seek help. Fights are about, “I’m right. I’m good. You’re wrong. You’re bad.” When two people are fighting to be understood — the result is no one is heard and both feel hurt.

The solution is to identify your patterns and learn ways to rewire your communication so you get off the merry-go-round of endless conflict.

3. You feel disconnected, shut down or lonely.
The point of a relationship is to share your life with someone who cares about you, supports you and wants nothing but the best for you.

However, if you’re feeling disconnected, emotionally shut down or lonely in your relationship — you likely have constructed an “emotional wall” to keep the pain out. The downside is that it also keeps the pain inside of you and prevents you from taking in love.

4. You feel insecure, clingy or jealous.
I often work with couples where insecurity and jealousy has become a big issue, to the extent where one partner ends up spying on the other partner through social media, dating apps and emails.

If trust has been lost and replaced by jealousy, the relationship needs help. Not feeling secure with your partner puts enormous stress on both people. Sometimes jealousy follows you from past relationships where there was a major breach of trust. Other times, it might be your current partner who is acting in a way that raises new suspicions; such as communicating with an ex — and then minimizing their behaviors to put the blame on you that you are “overly sensitive”. Lack of trust ruins authentic connection.

5. You are controlling.
Getting your way and being in charge might work really well for you as an individual. At the same time, it doesn’t always bode well for relationships. When you view situations as a power struggle — it means there’s always a loser and you’re working hard to be the winner. People may tell you that you are bossy or demanding and they get tired of being on the receiving end.

The problem is — most people don’t want to be controlled and will begin to rebel against you.

6. You avoid conflict.
People who are conflict-avoidant often think it’s a pathway to harmonious living. Instead, it creates imbalance. Communicating about relevant issues in relationships is a fundamental ingredient to an honest, authentic connection.

If you or your partner are constantly running away from dealing with conflict, this can be potentially harmful in the long run. Learning effective conflict resolution skills is key so you can deal with challenging conversations and experience stronger bonds.

7. You avoid being vulnerable.
Being open and honest with your partner is a key ingredient to emotional intimacy.

If you want to be truly known by another person — you must be vulnerable. If you feel closed, defensive, or avoidant, your relationship will suffer. Learning how to be more open with your partner in a safe and secure way is important. Vulnerability becomes a strength in relationships, not a liability.

Relationship therapy is not only for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who wants more love in their life.

People Pleasing Hurts Relationships

By Elizabeth Galanti in People Pleasing, Relationships

November 2013

People Pleasing has a nice sound to it. But, people who are stuck in this pattern – don’t typically feel good. Do you put energy into catering to other people’s desires/wants while ignoring your own?

See if these statements apply to one or more relationships in your life:

I want what they want.
I avoid speaking my mind.
I feel better when certain people are happy with me.
I have a tough time saying, “No”.
I try hard not to show anger.

If you have a People Pleasing pattern, you may try to become what others want you to be. You may not be consciously aware that you are doing this. Ask yourself if you are trying to please others to avoid certain reactions – such as anger or rejection.

Mary’s husband tells her that he is upset that she hasn’t put more time into planning their upcoming trip. Patty immediately feels bad and tries to figure out how to make him happy while juggling the kids, chores and a job. She might feel frustrated or irritated – yet, feels that she can’t express herself. Her only thought is: I need him to stop being upset with me.

If you have pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to a person who is controlling. This relationship might work for a while. But, you may also become irritated and passive-aggressive after you realize you’ve lost your voice in the relationship.

If you are married to a People Pleaser, ask yourself: Am I being bossy? Am I telling my spouse what to do? Do I shut my partner down when they try to express their needs? How do I react when they disagree with me?

If you want to break your People Pleasing pattern:

Evaluate boundaries: Learn how to identify unacceptable treatment from others and set limits.
Look at your fears: You might be afraid that someone won’t like you or you will be rejected if you don’t go along.
Practice saying “no”: Try saying, “No thanks”. Or, “That’s not what I want – here’s why.”
Be assertive: Don’t walk away from the conflict too quickly. Ask for more discussion the next day, if you did withdraw.
Work towards balance and compromise: Whenever there’s disagreement, aim for a solution that will meet both desires so there’s collaberation – not pleasing.