Tag Archives | Inner Critic

Banish the Belief “I’m Not Good Enough”

By in Mindfulness, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

Winter 2018

Most people hear it – know it’s there – and have become accustomed to it. It’s that little critical voice inside of your brain, constantly evaluating, criticizing and shaming you with a message, “not good enough.”

 It’s the annoying voice of evaluation that prevents you from finding enjoyment or freedom in what you do.  I refer to it as the Self-Critic or Inner Critic.

The Inner Critic can be hard to locate because it operates under the radar — almost like a constant hum in our subconscious.   

Critics rob us of the ability to enjoy and live in the present moment. Critics like to hang around in the background of our brain; judging and telling us where we’re failing.  They use a comparison stick that never goes in our favor.

You might notice that Inner Critic is loud when you’re trying something new, when you’ve made a mistake, when you’ve violated your own moral code or when your performance is sub-par.

Critics watch our behavior and other people’s reactions — and nail us quickly and swiftly.  If there’s any addictive behavior; alcohol, porn, pills, affairs, gambling, shopping or eating — there’s almost always a Critic, hating us for that behavior.

Inner Critics cause feelings of “others are seeing me in my badness”; worthless, depressed, anxious, fear of failure, fear of abandonment/rejection, not good enough, etc. 

Inner Critics typically start in childhood.  As adults, that critical “software” never stops playing, even though it’s outdated and no longer effective. Those comparison messages continue to run in the background – and tear down our self-worth.

Quieting the Inner Critic

I highly recommend you work either with a therapist or use Mark Coleman’s book: Make Peace with Your Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can free you from Your Inner Critic.

The natural inclination is to drive out the negative self-talk with ineffective and fleeting strategies such as; TV, people pleasing, booze, gambling, eating, perfectionism, affairs, anger, controlling others and/or workaholism. 

None of these are a permanent solution. 

Compassion is the balm that melts self-criticism.  If you don’t know how to give yourself compassion — seek outside help.

The Inner Critic is behind the insidious thoughts that can make us second-guess our every action and doubt our own value.

―Mark Coleman, Author, Make Peace with Your Mind

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Calming the Inner Critic

By in Addiction, Self-Esteem, Stress Management, Work Issues

September 2013

You likely know it’s there and have some awareness of it.  The Inner Critic is that critical or shaming voice inside of your head that evaluates, criticizes, pushes, or critiques you.  It might tell you that you are not good enough or that you are too much.  It might be more global and say overarching things such as — you’re bad.

That Critic might push you to do/accomplish more  — feeling like a slavedriver.  Or, it might shame you after you’ve done something “wrong” such as making a mistake, eating too much or getting angry.  It might tell you that you’re too big, your needs aren’t important or that you are being a nuisance to others.

If you feel inadequate or awful about yourself — it’s time to focus on your Inner Critic.

I was recently reading the lovely work of Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss (Personal Growth Programs).  They have identified  7 types of Inner Critics:

TaskMaster pushes you very hard to accomplish a lot.  It wants you to work hard and be successful. It fears that you may be mediocre or lazy and will be judged a failure.  It drives you to work harder..

Perfectionist is all about quality of work — mistakes and flaws are not acceptable.  This Critic has high standards and it does not want you to be judged, rejected or criticized.

Underminer is very uncomfortable with risk.  It tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem and wants you to stay small to avoid failing, being hurt, judged or rejected.

Molder doesn’t allow for individuality and wants you to fit a mold that comes from society, your family or culture.  It attacks you for not acting in a certain way and prevents your free expression.

Inner Controller tries to prevent pleasurable, decadent or addictive behavior that might not be good for you; overeating, drinking, sexual activity.
 It fears that you will get out of control.

Guilt-Tripper crushes your conscience for some specific action you have taken (or not taken).  It tries to protect you from repeating past mistakes by making sure you never feel free.

Destroyer depresses you, making pervasive attacks on your self-worth and shaming you. It makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding/respect.

The question I hear most often in my therapy room is —  “Elizabeth, how do I get rid of that self-critical voice and feel better about myself?”  The good news is — you can.

As a start — just begin to notice when the Critic surfaces. Try journaling to begin to clearly hear the words of the Inner Critic without hating it or trying to get rid of it — but rather being interested in it.  Allow your memories to drift back to what was going on in your life when the Critic started to surface.

Ask the Critic some questions.  Why do you push me like that? What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t criticize/shame me?

My own Critic criticizes/shames me because it is afraid that I’ll fail.  That shaming voice inside my head pushes me to succeed.  It started in highschool when I realized that I could gain more love/attention from my parents with my success in school and sports.  The critical voice is afraid that if I fail — I’ll lose love from those around me.

When I was age 14, the Critic was helpful in pushing me to do well in those formative years of my life.  It was developmentally appropriate for my age and helped me set personal, educational and career goals.   Although, four decades later — that Critic has the potential of draining my energy and damaging my self-worth.  What do you notice about your Critic?

The first step with the Critic is to notice it.  Then the shift to soften it can begin.

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