October 2015
There is a typical laundry list of factors that lead to divorce (loss of communication, inability to connect, feeling unloved, feeling misunderstood, etc.). With the high rate of divorce — the smartest thing that couples can do is to seek counseling before they say “I do.”
Some studies suggest that couples who engage in pre-marital counseling have lower divorce rates. The willingness to work on your relationship when you are still courting indicates a high probability that you will continue that work throughout the marriage. And, to have clear conversations about basics such as money, sex and children relieves a lot of pressure as you head into marriage.
I often ask the question to couples, “What’s the elephant in the room?” Or, “What gets pushed under the rug and not talked about?” That almost always opens up a tender subject.
I see how beneficial it is for couples to deal with problems early – before it morphs into the Great Wall of China. Why? Because the unhealthy patterns aren’t yet set in concrete.
After marriage, many couples settle into life and deal ineffectively with their problems which leads to consistent collapse in communication, absence of sexual relations or lack of quality time together. These relationships can typically be salvaged — with hard work by the couple.
As a therapist, I can say that the earlier a couple starts therapy, the better the prognosis for the health of the relationship.
The point is simple — couples counseling is a smart decision.
It might feel intimidating to think about expressing your pent-up anger, frustration and resentments. Although, it is the expression of these feelings in a structured context that actually allows two people to deal with them and begin getting back on track.
What can you expect out of Relationship Counseling?
1) Strengthen Communication Skills: Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that few people possess. Couples that communicate well can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively. Good listening and speaking skills include feeling prioritized, heard, validated and loved in the relationship.
How often am I formulating my defense or retreat or comeback or poison arrow — when my loved one is attacking or withdrawing?
2) Explore Relationship Balance: How much attention is paid to the “you,” “me” and “we” of the relationship? Couples who are out of balance can struggle with a number of issues. It’s important to identify whether you’re both satisfied with your relationship balance – or you might need to make a few adjustments.
Do I feel there’s a sense of equality and power balance in my relationship?
3) Identify Problematic Family of Origin Issues: People learn much of how to “be in a relationship” from parents and other early influences. If one partner (or both) experienced unhealthy examples from role models, it is helpful to explore that in regards to how it plays out in the relationship.
How was conflict handled in my childhood home and what did I learn about making an apology?
Let us pray for peace, and let us bring it about,
starting in our own homes.
~ Pope Francis