Tag Archives | anger

Staying Steady as America Becomes Unhinged

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Anxiety, Christian, Mindfulness, Stress Management

Fall 2018 – Winter 2019

Are you feeling it too? It is everywhere — people are angry, overwhelmed and worried. Media outlets try to push ratings higher with minute-by-minute perspectives and commentaries that are disturbing and unsettling. Messages bombard us from every angle that our country is divided, kindness has vanished and someone is waiting to call us names if we share our opinion.

So, a key question is: How do I find calm in today’s world? Recent research is pointing to prayer and meditation as an effective tool.

Stick with me. Prayer and meditation does not have to be tied to a belief in God or to a particular religion. If you are agnostic or atheist – don’t stop reading.

1. Meditation & Prayer: Shifts the Brain Into a Soothed State
Dr. David Spiegel, from Stanford University School of Medicine, is a leading brain scientist. He recently published research as to what the brain looks like on prayer.

“Praying involves the deeper parts of the brain— the mid-front and back portions,” says Dr. Spiegel. “These parts of the brain are involved in self-reflection and self-soothing.”

2. Meditation & Prayer: Produces “Feel Good” Chemicals
Feel-good chemicals, such as Oxytocin, are released during prayer/meditation which helps to soothe and lift our spirits.

During times of stress, our limbic system becomes hyper-activated, and we begin to operate from a state of freeze, fight or flee. We move out of a state of contentment and head towards poor decision-making and destructive behaviors. The chemicals produced while praying return us to a state of equilibrium.

3. Meditation & Prayer: Reduces Negative Feelings
Research done at the NYU Medical Center, utilized members of Alcoholics Anonymous who were placed in an MRI scanner. They were shown drinking-related images to intentionally stimulate cravings for alcohol. Participants used prayer to soothe themselves. The MRI data showed dramatic shifts in the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for the control of emotion. Participants self-reported a systemic shift from unsettled to an overall feeling of contentment.

4. Meditation & Prayer: Prepares Us to Take Action
While there is certainly sound argument for the psychological benefits of prayer and meditation, one question frequently asked by those who are agnostic or atheist: What can prayer actually do in the world?

The key is balance between prayer and action. One purpose of prayer and meditation is to recharge our batteries and gain a more centered perspective so that we can move out into the world and create positive change: connecting, re-centering, refocusing and taking steps that create change without destroying other human beings who get in our way.

You can think of prayer as your protective coating for the mind-body-spirit so the action that follows is more effective.

How? If I don’t believe in God.
There are plenty of books, articles and videos out there that can help you with that.

I’ll share one of my own life lessons. I worked with Harold and he used a phrase frequently when responding to someone who was struggling with pain, grief or loss: I’ll hold a good thought for you. That statement was always accompanied by his warm, genuine smile. You felt his care and concern.

One day I asked him what that phrase meant to him. He said, “It conveys my open heart for that person. I hold a deep wish that all the good forces in the cosmos come together for the best possible resolution for that person. My wish for them is that they feel loved and cared for during their difficulty.”

He went on the explain – “I don’t just say it and move on. I spend time envisioning them wrapped up in all the positive energy in the universe – and it making a positive difference in their life.”

In my 20-something naivety, I asked, “Why don’t you direct that prayer to God?”

He replied, “I come from a scientific family with agnostic beliefs – I was not brought up to believe in God. Yet, if I die and I discover that God exists … I will hope that he was pleased that I was still able to pray – even though I didn’t believe in him.”

About a month after our conversation – Harold was killed in a car accident.

30 years later – Harold still crosses my mind. I smile, think of him fondly and wrap my prayer in an interior whisper: Harold, I’m holding a good thought for you.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury, your pardon Lord
And where there’s doubt, true faith in you
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there’s despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there’s sadness ever joy

— Hymn, Prayer of St. Francis

3 Tips to Detox Relationships

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

JULY 2016

Tip 1: Identify your Side of the Street

You can’t change their side of the street. That’s why it’s so important to understand how you navigate conflict and to fully own where you fall short.

Here are 3 very common patterns that people tend to lean into that don’t work:

Amp-up with anger, irritation or frustration. This includes the use of any of the following: strong words, loud voice, sarcasm, blunt, verbal attack, threats, physical gestures or blame
Amp-down by emotionally shutting down. This includes: not verbalizing what you are thinking, holding in anger/irritation, thinking it’s best to say nothing rather than stir up conflict, feeling hurt but not expressing it or pretending that everything is “just fine”.
Amp-down by physically withdrawing. This is simply leaving the room/conversation to go somewhere else (e.g. the other room, for a drive, the gym, a friend’s house).

People who have an “amp-down” style of communication feel good that they never fight. The reality is you don’t resolve conflict … you avoid it. People who have an “amp-up” style believe the bigger energy helps them to be heard. It actually has the opposite effect

Tip 2: Change your Side of the Street
Now that you have some clarity as to what you’re doing to hurt the relationship — it’s time to start speaking for what you want to change. The goal in healthy relationships is knowing how to navigate conflict which includes boundaries and crystal clear communication.

Express feelings with short and direct requests with 1-2 sentences with a calm, compassionate voice. Drop any language that is blunt, laden with blame or sarcastic. It might sound like this:

“It hurts when you criticize me. I need you to stop.”
“Lower your voice. I want to hear you – and I can’t when you’re loud.”
“I’m not ok with your drinking. I love you and I’m asking you to make a change.”
“I withdraw when you snap at me. That needs to stop.”
“I want to hear your point of view and I want you to hear mine. I don’t feel heard when you talk over me.”

Tip 3: Fill Your Love Tank
Many relationships fail not because people don’t put in the effort but because people express their love in the “wrong” way.

The Five Love Languages, a NY Times Best Seller, by Gary Chapman clearly explains that each of us has a primary love language. When you speak the right language to those you love — it fills up their “love tank”. They feel more connected and loved by you. And, it provides to you an easy way to ask for more love and connection.

Here are the 5 Love Languages, as developed by Dr. Chapman:

Physical Touch: A person whose primary language is touch loves non-sexual contact including; hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face.
Acts of Service: Can wiping down the kitchen countertop be taken as, “I love you?” Yes! A person with this love language feels loved when people do things for them.
Gifts: This is not about the monetary value of the gift. Those with this love language thrive on the thoughtfulness, surprise and effort behind the gift.
Quality Time: For these people, nothing says, “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being “fully present” for the person with this love language is critical which means no TV, computer or chores to distract.
Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. People with this love language, relish in compliments and affirmative phrases.

Read The 5 Love Languages and pay attention to ALL your relationships — spouse, partner, children, family and friends. Which relationships fill your love tank and which do not?

If you have relationships that are not working — do something.
Nothing changes if nothing changes

Do Your Relationships Stumble?

By Elizabeth Galanti in People Pleasing, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

February 2015

I often see at least one of these characteristics as interfering in relationships:

Do you frequently go along with what other people want and disregard your own needs?
Do you make decisions based on pleasing others?
Do you stay in relationships too long?
Do you use sarcasm as a way to express your dissatisfaction with someone?
Are you always trying to make people happy?
Do you get silently angry with others because your needs aren’t met?
Are you afraid to assert yourself?
Do you occasionally lash out in anger?
Is the thought of conflict scary?
Have you been told you are too clingy or dependent?

If you have any of these self-sacrificing, conflict-avoiding or people-pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to people who are controlling or enjoy that you focus more on them. They may also be attracted to you because you let things go their way and you might even push their bad behavior under the rug.

However, this can be an unhealthy mix. You are likely to get tired of your partner always getting their way or tired of their behavior. You may resent losing your autonomy and start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive.

Stephanie was dating Brett. He was strong, confident, and easily took charge. Brett knew what he wanted and Stephanie was happy to go along because it pleased him. This contributed to his falling in love with her. They married and everything went well for a few years.

Then Stephanie began to resent the fact that he made all the decisions in their lives. She wanted to begin a family and he wasn’t ready to have children yet. She tried to go along with Brett’s wishes so she stuffed her own feelings down deep inside.

This was such an important issue for her that eventually she became angry with frequent outbursts and threats of divorce. She didn’t even realize what was happening, blamed him for being so controlling and started to withdraw from him emotionally.

Brett was confused and responded with equally combative statements, wondering what happened to his supportive wife. He never asked her how she was feeling, in a loving and supportive way. She never asked him for what she needed with compassion and honesty.

Their walls went up and the room grew cold.

Their pairing had started out well but it floundered. She was stuck in a conflict-avoiding and people-pleasing pattern while he was stuck in a controlling pattern. This destroyed their love for one another.

As in the case of Stephanie, even when you are trying to please your partner or avoid conflict or suppress your own needs, those negative emotions will eventually surface and tear you apart inside.

The resolution? Self-awareness of when you are giving too much of yourself away and assertiveness to speak for your needs, wants and desires:

Be in touch with your needs.
Ask for what you want.
Set limits and boundaries with people.
Explore your fears as to what might happen if someone got to know you from the inside.
Give yourself compassion and self-love so you feel solid even if you aren’t in a relationship.

In order to get there, you will need the courage to face your fears and develop confidence in the right to have your own thoughts/opinions. It takes practice but you can speak to others with love and respect for what you need.

Speaking out with anger, bluntness or sarcasm — doesn’t count.

You can unlock a whole new world of being a self-respecting, authentic and genuine person in your relationships.

People will love you for it.

Silent Treatment Speaks Volumes

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Relationships

September 2014

If the silent treatment is a key part of your marriage — your relationship may be endangered. The silent treatment can spell ruin for a relationship.

Researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict and the most troublesome. Research indicates that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other or feelings of hurt — it is felt as both emotional and physical pain.

The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety. There is also a higher likelihood that both people will begin to engage in practices to emotionally distance the other person.

When I ask a client why they withdraw – they often label the problem as belonging to their partner. They state they have no other choice — that withdrawing is the only way to feel safe. I often hear that it serves as the best way to “punish” the other person – they want their mate to feel the same pain they feel. Clients often express that the silent treatment is a way of displaying anger in a safe and passive way.

The silent treatment is typically a strategy one learns as a child — to shut somebody out and to punish. Pouting, running away and shutting down can be part of normal development as children learn to interact. But it is an outdated strategy that has no place in healthy, adult relationships.

Researchers find that couples that use the silent treatment, experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with higher divorce rates.

Conflict is inevitable but how you manage it makes a difference. Try these tips to break unhealthy patterns:

Be aware of what’s happening. Each person should ask: “Why am I behaving this way? What do I need to do or say to re-connect with my mate?”
Agree to take a timeout. When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before re-engaging.
Be careful of what you say. You can never take the words back after they come out of your mouth
Use “I” statements. Example: “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
Apologize with sincerity as soon as possible.

Soothing the Sizzle of Anger

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Mindfulness, Relationships

August 2013

I know about anger. For a number of years, I provided counseling to men and women who had encountered some type of serious problems due to their anger. Those problems were usually evident in their home, at work and/or in relationships.

I helped people understand that there are 4 styles of communication:

(1) Aggressive: You let hurtful, angry things fly out of your mouth that send the signal to the other person – “ You don’t count.”

(2) Passive: You stuff your feelings down that sends a signal to yourself – “I don’t count.” Over time, you may experience a lot of pain as you keep your emotions bottled up.

(3) Passive-Aggressive: Outwardly attempting to please people while rebelling against them in subtle ways that leave them frustrated and confused.

(4) Assertive: You speak FOR your anger (instead of FROM your anger) which sends the message, “You and I both count” so the other person feels valued while you express your feelings and bring up tender topics.

EXERCISE: Think of a time in the recent past where you were angry, agitated, irritated, resentful, blaming, defensive or sarcastic — even if you didn’t show it on the outside. Envision that moment and allow yourself to feel the same emotions as when it was happening and recalling the words that you said silently to yourself or aloud to another person.

As you re-experience it right now — notice where you feel that anger/irritation in your body.

Experience the discomfort — allow yourself to feel the anger without judging it — don’t try to change it. Just be with it.

Notice the words/phrases that you’re hearing inside of you (he was jerk –she was bossy – he acts like a know-it-all – she disrespected me – he’s a big mouth– she makes me feel like a nobody — they didn’t include me — etc.).

Now, take a few moments to calm yourself right now — being conscious to use self-soothing, calming words (“It’s ok – I’m ok – That other person is not here right now – I’m safe – I can relax right now – I’m not in that situation right now.”).

See what emotion is being covered up and protected by the anger…. perhaps it is sadness – loneliness – fear – hurt – worry – shame – abandonment – worthlessness – feeling unloved?

Once you begin to gain a deeper understanding of what’s underneath your anger – you can respond to people around you in a way that demonstrates you care for them and you care for yourself.

You can live your life with respect for your anger — and the wisdom that it holds.

What the Heck is Stress Anyway?

By elizabethgalanti@gmail.com in Relationships, Stress Management, Work Issues

May 2013

Even though it might not feel good, stress is a normal bodily response when you perceive a situation of threat. Stress readies our body for “fight or flight” – also called the stress response. There are several body functions that change when you are stressed – heart rate increases, sweat glands engage, digestion decreases, blood pressure increases. The body is trying to prepare you for a fight or to flee the situation.

Stress is a normal protection mechanism and is an aspect of healthy living when it’s in small, manageable doses. Minor levels of stress are effective in motivating you to study for an exam, focusing your efforts at work to prepare for a big meeting, to get out of the house to rake the leaves on a chilly Fall day and to take the kids shopping for new clothes the week before school starts.

The problem comes when you are in situations where stress is elevated over long periods of time – or stressful events occur frequently – or life hits you like a tidal wave. It’s at this point, that stress can cause damage – physically, emotionally and relationally.

The symptoms of stress overload and burnout are different for different people. If you experience some of the following – you might be in stress overload:

Feeling overwhelmed
Irritation or anger
Fear and anxiety
Depression
Feelings of loneliness
Ongoing worry
Racing thoughts
Inability to concentrate
Difficulty in making decisions
Rapid heart rate
Chest pains
Frequent stomach problems or headaches
Nausea
Change in eating (too much or too little)
Difficulty sleeping or excessive sleeping
Using alcohol, drugs or smoking to relax
Excessive time in front of the TV or Internet
Engaging in activities you later regret (gambling, pornography, chat rooms)

It is always good to see your doctor for a full physical if you experience any of these problems to rule out any physical or medical reasons.

If you recognize that you’re getting burned out – it might be time to focus on stress management. It might be time to focus on you.

Peace be with you,

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