Tag Archives | al-anon

5 Ways to Love the Alcoholic & Yourself

September 2015

  1.  Face the facts.
    If you think that things will somehow get better – you are likely wrong. Facing the facts means grasping a new realization that your loved one is in the grips of a physical and emotional addiction. Their addiction has shifted their thought patterns and behaviors. The realty is that you have no control over what they do. You may experience constant worry — feel powerless — try to run after them with a safety net — tell lies for them — minimize their behavior – blast them with anger.
  1.  Disconnect with Love.
    This is a very common theme in Al-Anon yet one that is not easy to implement.   Learning how to set limits is a very important skill. Limits are healthy boundaries — they are not ultimatums which come from desperation. Detachment with love is letting your loved one fall and hit their bottom.  You might cringe as you read this but it’s true.  If you were to attend a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous — you would alcoholics say, “I needed to hit my bottom before I stopped digging.”  You will never hear the addict say, “I quit because my wife told me to.”  You cannot force them to stop — so stop demanding.
  1.  Let Go and Let God.
    As you clearly face their addiction — look closely at your own actions that involve — fixing, protecting, minimizing, enabling, controlling, shielding, manipulating, blasting or lying — in an attempt to protect or expose the addict. If you realize you’re trying to change them — accept that as your problem — which you can change. The Serenity Prayer can provide a fresh perspective as you contemplate your own behaviors and what you can change.

God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

  1. Get Unstuck.
    When an alcoholic drinks – they fall into a pattern of thinking and behavior that focuses on their addiction.   The pleasure center of the brain is impacted and their ability to grasp long-term consequences of their actions is difficult.  As you watch your loved one go through this — it’s exceptionally painful – especially if have no support.  The most important thing you can do is to care of yourself. Get yourself help — join a support group such as Al-Anon.  Learn about addiction as well as co-dependence and enabling behaviors.
  1. Embrace the difference: “Helping” versus “Enabling.”
    Ask yourself one question:  “Whose responsibility is it for them to stop drinking?”  The correct answer is — theirs.  Alcoholics don’t consider risks or consequences.  If you keep taking on a responsibility which doesn’t belong to you — the alcoholic will never take it on themselves.  Enabling behaviors might look like this:
  • Giving ultimatums in anger — and later retracting them
  • Running after them with a safety net so they don’t hurt themselves
  • Lying and holding secrets
  • Giving them money
  • Sweeping things under the rug
  • Retracting limits/boundaries — over and over again
  • Picking them up after a night of drinking (again!)
  • Suffering in silence while hoping it goes away

The alcoholic has plenty of options/choices for help, including a counselor, priest/pastor, spiritual advisor and/or a 12-step program for any addiction, including:

  • AA (Alcoholics Anonymous); NA (Narcotics Anonymous); GA (Gamblers Anonymous); DA (Debters Anonymous); SA (Sexaholics Anonymous); CGAA (Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous)

The family has support groups too (Al-Anon for alcohol, Gam-Anon for gambling, ACoA for adult children of alcoholics, etc).

DETACHDon’t. Even. Think. About. Changing. Him/Her.
~~ Al Anon
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Can You Stay Sane While They Still Drink?

April 2015

When I work family members that have loved ones who struggle with addiction – the most frequent question I hear is, “How can I make them stop drinking (or using drugs or gambling or cheating or etc.)?”

You might ask yourself,  “What’s the magical thing that I need to say to them – what threat, what ultimatum?  Should I be mean – should I be nice – do I sweep it under the rug – do I get in their face?”  Perhaps you’ve even done all those things – and none of them work in the long-run.

If you have an alcoholic in your life, you likely understand that life with a practicing addict is generally quite chaotic at times, which might also be tempered with really good times.

What can you do to get off the roller coaster?  Accept you are powerless over the addicted person and detach from them.  You cannot control people, places or things.

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for your own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives, such as the desire to control the alcoholic.
Detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When you refuse to take responsibility for other people’s alcohol or drug use, you allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why daddy missed the school play, you do not have to lie. Instead, you can say, “That’s a good question. You’ll have to ask him.”

Detachment means giving up outcomes. Your job is the effort, not the outcome. Leave the outcome to God. Do your part and let go of the rest. You will begin to experience peace.

Detachment with love is not selfish.  It is freeing — and it is love.

Detachment is a choice.
Unconditional love is a choice.
Giving up control is a choice.
Being afraid is a choice.
Choosing to be peaceful is a choice.
Choosing to act, and not react, is a choice.
Trusting your loved ones to live their own lives is a choice.
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