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People Pleasing Hurts Relationships

By Elizabeth Galanti in People Pleasing, Relationships

November 2013

People Pleasing has a nice sound to it. But, people who are stuck in this pattern – don’t typically feel good. Do you put energy into catering to other people’s desires/wants while ignoring your own?

See if these statements apply to one or more relationships in your life:

I want what they want.
I avoid speaking my mind.
I feel better when certain people are happy with me.
I have a tough time saying, “No”.
I try hard not to show anger.

If you have a People Pleasing pattern, you may try to become what others want you to be. You may not be consciously aware that you are doing this. Ask yourself if you are trying to please others to avoid certain reactions – such as anger or rejection.

Mary’s husband tells her that he is upset that she hasn’t put more time into planning their upcoming trip. Patty immediately feels bad and tries to figure out how to make him happy while juggling the kids, chores and a job. She might feel frustrated or irritated – yet, feels that she can’t express herself. Her only thought is: I need him to stop being upset with me.

If you have pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to a person who is controlling. This relationship might work for a while. But, you may also become irritated and passive-aggressive after you realize you’ve lost your voice in the relationship.

If you are married to a People Pleaser, ask yourself: Am I being bossy? Am I telling my spouse what to do? Do I shut my partner down when they try to express their needs? How do I react when they disagree with me?

If you want to break your People Pleasing pattern:

Evaluate boundaries: Learn how to identify unacceptable treatment from others and set limits.
Look at your fears: You might be afraid that someone won’t like you or you will be rejected if you don’t go along.
Practice saying “no”: Try saying, “No thanks”. Or, “That’s not what I want – here’s why.”
Be assertive: Don’t walk away from the conflict too quickly. Ask for more discussion the next day, if you did withdraw.
Work towards balance and compromise: Whenever there’s disagreement, aim for a solution that will meet both desires so there’s collaberation – not pleasing.

Nobody Wins the Blame Game

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Relationships, Stress Management

October 2013

How many times have you said these words, “It’s not my fault, don’t blame me!”? – and then heard these words back from your spouse or partner.

When you are have difficulty in a relationship, you tend to feel vulnerable and find fault with your spouse as a means to protect yourself.

When I work with couples, they often tell me of a recent fight and each of them only remembers the hurtful words from the other person.

Why Does This Happen?
Your psyche is composed of many different parts with different emotions. You might have feelings on opposite ends of the spectrum, “A part of gets so irritated when my husband criticizes me and another part of me just melts when he looks me in the eyes with affection and respect.”

If your spouse judges, criticizes or pulls away from you, it can trigger a Hurt Child part of you that feels sad, worthless or unlovable. Then a Blaming Part of you might blast your partner so you don’t experience the unbearable feelings of the Hurt Child.

When The Blamer gets angry and judges your spouse, it is primarily trying to protect you from feeling attacked. The Blaming Part wants to shift the fault to your partner so your Hurt Child is safe.

Couples are particularly prone to using blame to protect from the emotional havoc of feeling blamed, judged, shamed, unlovable, criticized and/or worthless.

What Can You Do?
A good way to shift out of the blame-game is to make an effort to be aware of your parts and take responsibility for them.

Notice when something comes up inside of you that feels “icky”. Take a time-out. Slow everything down. Feel the various parts emerge.

Be with the Blamer and Hurt Child in a loving way to ease their intensity and pain. This opens up compassion for yourself and for your spouse.

By realizing that many of your fights are the result of parts getting triggered, you can ease the friction to allow for understanding and softness.

Ultimately, you begin to catch the blaming before it starts – and end a game that is always a lose-lose.

Calming the Inner Critic

By Elizabeth Galanti in Addiction, Self-Esteem, Stress Management, Work Issues

September 2013

You likely know it’s there and have some awareness of it. The Inner Critic is that critical or shaming voice inside of your head that evaluates, criticizes, pushes, or critiques you. It might tell you that you are not good enough or that you are too much. It might be more global and say overarching things such as — you’re bad.

That Critic might push you to do/accomplish more — feeling like a slavedriver. Or, it might shame you after you’ve done something “wrong” such as making a mistake, eating too much or getting angry. It might tell you that you’re too big, your needs aren’t important or that you are being a nuisance to others.

If you feel inadequate or awful about yourself — it’s time to focus on your Inner Critic.

I was recently reading the lovely work of Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss (Personal Growth Programs). They have identified 7 types of Inner Critics:

TaskMaster pushes you very hard to accomplish a lot. It wants you to work hard and be successful. It fears that you may be mediocre or lazy and will be judged a failure. It drives you to work harder..

Perfectionist is all about quality of work — mistakes and flaws are not acceptable. This Critic has high standards and it does not want you to be judged, rejected or criticized.

Underminer is very uncomfortable with risk. It tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem and wants you to stay small to avoid failing, being hurt, judged or rejected.

Molder doesn’t allow for individuality and wants you to fit a mold that comes from society, your family or culture. It attacks you for not acting in a certain way and prevents your free expression.

Inner Controller tries to prevent pleasurable, decadent or addictive behavior that might not be good for you; overeating, drinking, sexual activity.  It fears that you will get out of control.

Guilt-Tripper crushes your conscience for some specific action you have taken (or not taken). It tries to protect you from repeating past mistakes by making sure you never feel free.

Destroyer depresses you, making pervasive attacks on your self-worth and shaming you. It makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding/respect.

The question I hear most often in my therapy room is — “Elizabeth, how do I get rid of that self-critical voice and feel better about myself?” The good news is — you can.

As a start — just begin to notice when the Critic surfaces. Try journaling to begin to clearly hear the words of the Inner Critic without hating it or trying to get rid of it — but rather being interested in it. Allow your memories to drift back to what was going on in your life when the Critic started to surface.

Ask the Critic some questions. Why do you push me like that? What are you trying to do for me? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t criticize/shame me?

My own Critic criticizes/shames me because it is afraid that I’ll fail. That shaming voice inside my head pushes me to succeed. It started in highschool when I realized that I could gain more love/attention from my parents with my success in school and sports. The critical voice is afraid that if I fail — I’ll lose love from those around me.

When I was age 14, the Critic was helpful in pushing me to do well in those formative years of my life. It was developmentally appropriate for my age and helped me set personal, educational and career goals. Although, four decades later — that Critic has the potential of draining my energy and damaging my self-worth. What do you notice about your Critic?

The first step with the Critic is to notice it. Then the shift to soften it can begin.

Soothing the Sizzle of Anger

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Mindfulness, Relationships

August 2013

I know about anger. For a number of years, I provided counseling to men and women who had encountered some type of serious problems due to their anger. Those problems were usually evident in their home, at work and/or in relationships.

I helped people understand that there are 4 styles of communication:

(1) Aggressive: You let hurtful, angry things fly out of your mouth that send the signal to the other person – “ You don’t count.”

(2) Passive: You stuff your feelings down that sends a signal to yourself – “I don’t count.” Over time, you may experience a lot of pain as you keep your emotions bottled up.

(3) Passive-Aggressive: Outwardly attempting to please people while rebelling against them in subtle ways that leave them frustrated and confused.

(4) Assertive: You speak FOR your anger (instead of FROM your anger) which sends the message, “You and I both count” so the other person feels valued while you express your feelings and bring up tender topics.

EXERCISE: Think of a time in the recent past where you were angry, agitated, irritated, resentful, blaming, defensive or sarcastic — even if you didn’t show it on the outside. Envision that moment and allow yourself to feel the same emotions as when it was happening and recalling the words that you said silently to yourself or aloud to another person.

As you re-experience it right now — notice where you feel that anger/irritation in your body.

Experience the discomfort — allow yourself to feel the anger without judging it — don’t try to change it. Just be with it.

Notice the words/phrases that you’re hearing inside of you (he was jerk –she was bossy – he acts like a know-it-all – she disrespected me – he’s a big mouth– she makes me feel like a nobody — they didn’t include me — etc.).

Now, take a few moments to calm yourself right now — being conscious to use self-soothing, calming words (“It’s ok – I’m ok – That other person is not here right now – I’m safe – I can relax right now – I’m not in that situation right now.”).

See what emotion is being covered up and protected by the anger…. perhaps it is sadness – loneliness – fear – hurt – worry – shame – abandonment – worthlessness – feeling unloved?

Once you begin to gain a deeper understanding of what’s underneath your anger – you can respond to people around you in a way that demonstrates you care for them and you care for yourself.

You can live your life with respect for your anger — and the wisdom that it holds.

Secret Sauce to Better Relationships

By Elizabeth Galanti in Relationships

July 2013

When I conduct Conflict Resolution Workshops, people typically attend because they have at least one relationship in their life that they want to improve. Some people attend because they want to strengthen their relationship with their spouses – others want better communication with their children. When I conduct a Conflict Resolution Workshop in a workplace setting, people usually want better teamwork so work gets done more easily.

In a recent workshop, I asked the question, “What is the secret sauce to solid relationships and resolve conflict?” I even gave a hint – it starts with the letter “C”.

The answer shouted out first was, “Communication!”

I explained that communication is important, of course – but there’s something even more basic. Without the secret sauce, you won’t have good communication especially when conflict begins to brew.

What followed was silence as people pondered the answer.

I let the silence sit for 30 seconds and then asked, “What are you thinking right now?”

A woman said, “I am wondering what the answer is.”

I responded, “Are you curious?”

She said, “Yes. I am curious.”

I responded, “That’s it!”

Curiosity is the secret sauce to communication – to strong relationships – to connection with others — and to overcome conflict effectively and quickly.

When you interact with someone from a point of curiosity, you are able to:
Suspend your own feelings/emotions (momentarily) so you can increase your understanding from their perspective – which then widens your own perspective.
Send the message, “I care about your thoughts and feelings right now.”
Soothe your own knee-jerk reactivity and defensiveness so not to be hijacked by fast-moving emotions like anger, sarcasm or shutting down.
Listen with more clarity and less judgement.
Speak for your feelings/emotion with a sense of compassion.

Successful communication is not about winning – it’s about resolving conflict in ways that honor you and the other person.

Curiosity transforms us with child-like wonderment so we can have better adult-like conversations.

Type A’s & Stress

By Elizabeth Galanti in Anger, Depression, Stress Management, Work Issues

June 2013

There is no doubt that work is important in today’s society. People who are hard workers and take their jobs seriously are often rewarded with promotions, bonuses and accolades from family, friends and the boss. Our results-oriented culture admires people who produce – that makes sense.

However, hard work and success can actually become addictive. Without even realizing it, a person driven by success begins to measure their personal worth by how much they get done and how successful they become. Fearing failure and needing to experience the next success, a person may be driven — moving from one success to the next, faster and faster.

Often times, this personality trait is seen as early as grade school or high school. It carries a badge of honor for the youngster to succeed in one or more areas, especially if it results in athletic and scholastic achievements. Teachers, parents, coaches, friends – send the message that “you are somebody” as the child or adolescent begins to equate success to self-worth.

RESEARCH
In the 1950’s, two heart specialists – Rosenman and Friedman – developed the term, Type A. They conducted an 8-year study of middle managers and executives and asked questions such as:
• Do you feel guilty if you use spare time to relax?
• Do you need to win in order to derive enjoyment from games and sports?
• Do you generally move, walk and eat rapidly?
• Do you often try to do more than one thing at a time?

Rosenman & Friedman described Type A behavior as competitive, ambitious, impatient and aggressive. Type A’s tend to have a harrying sense of time urgency. Individuals displaying this pattern seem to be engaged in a chronic, ceaseless and often fruitless struggle with themselves, with others, with circumstances, with time and sometimes with life itself.

RESULTS
Energetic and strong-willed Type A’s become caught in a self-made trap of attempting to hold everything together, trying to achieve greater success, negating the poetic and personal side of life and struggling to answer the question, “Has it been worth the price?” as marriages dissolve, their children grow distant or they are laid off from their beloved job. Type A’s are so focused on the destination – that they treat themselves like machines until they break down one way or another.

The first step is a candid self-appraisal. How many of these beliefs do you hold?

I must always be competent.
I must get everything done on time.
I don’t have the limits of normal people.
I must work hard all the time.
I feel more valuable when I accomplish something.

The second step is to begin to softly shift those beliefs. You might find a phrase to say yourself several times a day that is meaningful to you:

I do not need to work harder than others.
I am a worthwhile person — separate from my work.
I am loved for who I am — not what I do..
I can rest. I don’t have to do it all.
I do not have to control everything.

The third step is consciously take time each day to slow down:

Take mini-breaks throughout the day (stretch, walk, eat lunch with someone).
Take deep breaths and relax your shoulders, neck, jaw, hands when you feel tension increasing.
Set a goal for what time you’ll leave at the end of the day — and stick to it.
Leave your briefcase at work.

I encourage you to reach out to a mentor, spiritual advisor or counselor if you are having trouble making changes by yourself.

I’m here if you need help.

What the Heck is Stress Anyway?

By elizabethgalanti@gmail.com in Relationships, Stress Management, Work Issues

May 2013

Even though it might not feel good, stress is a normal bodily response when you perceive a situation of threat. Stress readies our body for “fight or flight” – also called the stress response. There are several body functions that change when you are stressed – heart rate increases, sweat glands engage, digestion decreases, blood pressure increases. The body is trying to prepare you for a fight or to flee the situation.

Stress is a normal protection mechanism and is an aspect of healthy living when it’s in small, manageable doses. Minor levels of stress are effective in motivating you to study for an exam, focusing your efforts at work to prepare for a big meeting, to get out of the house to rake the leaves on a chilly Fall day and to take the kids shopping for new clothes the week before school starts.

The problem comes when you are in situations where stress is elevated over long periods of time – or stressful events occur frequently – or life hits you like a tidal wave. It’s at this point, that stress can cause damage – physically, emotionally and relationally.

The symptoms of stress overload and burnout are different for different people. If you experience some of the following – you might be in stress overload:

Feeling overwhelmed
Irritation or anger
Fear and anxiety
Depression
Feelings of loneliness
Ongoing worry
Racing thoughts
Inability to concentrate
Difficulty in making decisions
Rapid heart rate
Chest pains
Frequent stomach problems or headaches
Nausea
Change in eating (too much or too little)
Difficulty sleeping or excessive sleeping
Using alcohol, drugs or smoking to relax
Excessive time in front of the TV or Internet
Engaging in activities you later regret (gambling, pornography, chat rooms)

It is always good to see your doctor for a full physical if you experience any of these problems to rule out any physical or medical reasons.

If you recognize that you’re getting burned out – it might be time to focus on stress management. It might be time to focus on you.

Peace be with you,

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