Tag Archives | shame

Shame Sucks the Life Out of Relationships

By in Relationships

February 2017

If you don’t know what shame is – spend 20 minutes on Facebook or reviewing the reader’s comments to any news story.  People shame others by; name-calling, negative labels, sarcasm, ridiculing, shunning and expressing disgust.  Shame sends the message – YOU are stupid, defective and unworthy– and you deserve to be ostracized, persecuted and rejected.

Brene Brown, the most well-known researcher and author on shame, explains; “Shame is the intense painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.”

Self-loathing becomes an identity statement: I’m stupid. Nobody loves me.  I’m a failure. I’m not good enough. I’m a mistake.  People see me as an idiot.  There’s something wrong with me.  I’m bad.  I’m a fraud.  If people knew me – they wouldn’t like me.

Shame in Childhood 
The first time most people experience shame is childhood. Typically, shame is used by parents, teachers or coaches to keep children in line with the rules of the school, society or the family. After a child is shamed, they will either: (1) use shame as a bullying weapon against their peers and classmates and/or (2) self-shame themselves.  Children who get into a lot of fights or bully other children are often heavily shamed at home.

Shame in Adulthood
Offra Gerstein, Ph.D., explains why adults use shame: “The most common reason why people shame others is to quell their own feelings of hurt, annoyance, irritation, insecurity or displeasure. The attack is a way to feel empowered by disempowering.”

Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D., author of Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise observes the following:

  • Adults shamed as children fear exposure of their flaws.
  • Adults shamed as children may appear grandiose/narcissistic/self-centered or seem selfless.
  • Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
  • Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating, “It’s my fault.” These individuals apologize constantly. They absorb responsibility for the feelings of those around them.
  • Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
  • Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive/excessive behaviors; drinking, exercise, workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance-abuse or gambling.
  • Adults shamed as children build false boundaries through walls, rage, people pleasing or isolation.

What to do:

  • Notice if there’s one person in particular who makes you feel bad.  Listen carefully to the way they speak to you. Counter their negativity with healthy self-talk: “That negativity belongs to them – it’s not mine to keep.”
  • Set healthy boundary with the person who consistently shames you.   Speak firmly and in a calm voice, “I’m asking you to stop speaking that way to me.  You’re tearing me down. I will stop you or leave if you continue.”  Then take the action, if they continue.
  • STOP negative self-talk. Own that it belongs to you – and calm it:  “No, he is not saying I’m stupid – my boss merely pointed out that I had a typo in my presentation.  And, he’s right – I did make a mistake.  I’m human.  I’m not stupid.”
  • Surround yourself with healthy people who are both honest and kind.  Supportive friends, family or trusted acquaintances are a great reality check of your self-perception and negative shaming statements that are not true.
  • Distance yourself from people, places, things that exude negativity: Facebook, the news, tweets, discussion boards, gossipy friends, pot-stirring co-workers, nosey neighbors and family members who put you down and then say, “I was only kidding!  You’re too sensitive.”
Finally, if you ever see a child being shamed, teased or bullied — step in to stop it immediately.  Notify their parents, the parents of the children who are bullying and the teachers.
You never know — you may have just changed the course of that child’s life.
Continue Reading

THE SILENT KILLER OF SELF-ESTEEM==>shame

By in Self-Esteem

April 2016

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor and has spent a lifetime studying shame and self-esteem.  I recommend her book frequently, Daring Greatly, a #1 New York Times Bestseller.

She describes her work as “ a career in studying shame and its impact on women, men and children.” Dr. Brown writes, “The less we understand shame and how it affects our feelings, thoughts and behaviors, the more power it exerts over our lives. However, if we can find the courage to talk about shame and the compassion to listen, we can change the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.”

People tend to think that shame is only experienced by those poor souls who had abusive childhoods or survivors of terrible traumas.  That’s not the case. Shame is a universal experience that all humans feel.

Shame hits the brains and flips the person into the very primal “fight, flight or freeze” mode.  It leads people to pull in or lash out at others with anger, irritation and shaming statements.

In her book, Dr. Brown writes, “To varying degrees, we all know the struggle to feel comfortable with who we are in a society that puts so much importance on being perfect and fitting in. We also know the painful wave of emotion that washes over us when we feel judged or ridiculed about the way we look, our work, our parenting, how we spend our money, our families or even the life experiences over which we had no control.”

She goes on to say, “And it’s not always someone else putting us down or judging us; the most painful shaming experiences are often self-inflicted.”

Wow – did you take that last statement in?!  We actually self-inflict upon ourselves those judgmental, critical, painful and condemning statements.

Dr. Brown with a bold and eloquent writing style explains, “Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.”

An Exercise to Recognize Shame
Ponder Dr. Brown’s words, “To understand how shame is influenced by culture, we need to think back to when we were children or young adults, and we first learned how important it is to be liked, to fit in, and to please others. The lessons were often taught by shame; sometimes overtly, other times covertly. Regardless of how they happened, we can all recall experiences of feeling rejected, diminished and ridiculed. Eventually, we learned to fear these feelings. We learned how to change our behaviors, thinking and feelings to avoid feeling shame. “

Think about or journal about a time in childhood, where you felt shame.  You might remember one incident with great clarity or it might be a common thread that runs through several memories. Record the feelings and thoughts that you had during the incident. How did you feel afterwards. What beliefs did you form about yourself or others?  Did you want to move towards others or to move away from them? Notice what body sensations you experience as you think about shame.  Close your eyes — does that shame feeling have a sound, color, texture, temperature or image that goes along with it?  Lastly, think about how that shame scene still influences you today.

Solution: Empathy Dissolves Shame 
Experiencing shame can feel like an emotional, spiritual and physical attack on your very being. Developing tools to embrace compassionate self-talk to replace negative self-talk is key.  You might begin by reading Brené Brown’s book (Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead) which is chocked full of information and tools.

If you feel that you need more help, seek out a mentor, priest/pastor, spiritual director or counselor to help you replace self-criticism with wellness and compassion.

Continue Reading