Tag Archives | affair

After the Affair – Now What?

November 2016

affair  noun  af·fair \ə-ˈfer\

That is a gut-wrenching word that no married person wants associated with their own marriage.

How many people cheat?  That’s a difficult number to pinpoint yet studies indicate roughly 35% of women and 50+% of men have at least 1 affair during their marriage.  Ruth Houston (founder of InfidelityAdvice.com) cites that 1 in every 3 couples will be affected by an affair.

The #1 setting for affairs to emerge — the workplace.

Dr. Shirley Glass (author of Not Just Friends) gives a clear definition of cheating:
Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.

Research shows there are distinct stages to an affair:
1) Emotional bond (talking, texting, sharing stories),
2) Secrets/Lies in order to protect and guard the relationship
3) Courtship and Dates (meeting for coffee, playing golf, walks in the park, taking a drive together)
4) Sexual connection

Not all affairs progress to sexual intimacy and not all affairs include an emotional bond.  All affairs do wound.

When working with couples, I refer to an affair as (1) toxic and destructive and (2) a formidable catalyst for change.  That change unfolds when they both choose to work on the marriage or at least begin the journey together to see what’s left of the marriage.

After the Affair is Discovered
It’s common that the betrayed partner demands to know everything and gives directives that the affair must stop – as he/she cycles through feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, confusion and disbelief.

The unfaithful partner also experiences great depths of suffering.  They experience pain and shame (for what they did and/or for getting caught).  They might feel trapped under the weight of ultimatums to choose between the betrayed partner and the affair partner.  They can be overwhelmed trying to navigate their own feelings along with others who know about the affair, including their children.

Step One: Stop the Affair & Share
Recovery takes time and is similar to any natural disaster – what happens immediately after the discovery of the affair is key.

In my office I say, “All walls must turn to windows – what was hidden must be seen.”  What does that mean?  All contact between the unfaithful partner and affair partner – must stop.  No new lies or secrets can occur.

This is an essential building block.  Without it, the betrayed partner cannot move forward.

Stephen Judah Ph.D. (author of Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart) outlines the essential information that should be shared:

  • Who
  • What happened (in general terms)
  • When
  • Where (especially if anything happened on sacred turf)
  • Current status (terminated or still going on)
  • Who else knows

It is common for the betrayed partner to want to know specific details related to the sexual acts and performance comparisons.  No — this topic needs to be taken off the table.  What is heard can never be unheard.  Sorid details can push the affair partner into new lies and ignite new pain for the betrayed partner.

A key component to life after an affair is to seek professional help in the recovery process — even if the journey is moving toward divorce.

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:

  • Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, Ph.D.
  • Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart by Stephen Judah, Ph.D
  • Private Lies by Frank Pittman, M.D.
  • Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson, Ph.D
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When Friendship Crosses the Line

February 2016

The shocking news of the Ashley Madison data breach last year put a spotlight on the hush-hush fact that millions of married people think that an affair will make them happy.

Most people understand that a sexual affair is a serious breach in a relationship.  Fewer people realize that an emotional affair is just as harmful.

Emotional affairs are insidious because: (1) they are often a slow process that begins as friendship and (2) they are equally as damaging as a sexual affair.   It can catch people by surprise because they don’t realize they have entered the deep waters of an emotional affair until it has crossed the line.

What exactly is an emotional affair?  It’s an affair of the heart that doesn’t include sex. A good litmus test: “Would I say/act the same way with my friend if my spouse were here?”

Platonic friendships can lead to an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can lead to sexual ones. The best time to stop infidelity is before it happens.

Notice the Bright Yellow Flags
You have a special friend and you experience  2+ of these …
o    Share personal information about your marriage
o    Feel good that they “get you”
o    Hold private jokes and secret meanings with your friend
o    Engage in innocent flirting
o    Turn to your friend for validation and support
o    Compare your spouse to your friend
o    Feel “alive” with your friend
o    Attack your spouse if they question the friendship
o    Share with your friend so you don’t “burden” your spouse
o    Talk about what’s missing in your marriage (and theirs)
o    Think of your friend often

Stop! Re-Turn Toward your Spouse 
What is an emotional need? It is a craving that when met, results in feelings of closeness, specialness, happiness and/or connection.  When unsatisfied, you feel frustrated, alone, resentful, devalued, misunderstood and/or unloved.

What should you do when you realize that you are experiencing a disconnection from your spouse and getting your needs met by someone else?  If you care about your marriage and your spouse – disconnect from your friend.

Then, make time to talk about what is going on for you with your spouse. The longer the problem is ignored the greater the damage to the marriage.  Speak for your needs – your feelings – and invite your spouse to journey back to a place of connection with you.  Admit your fault – ask for forgiveness – and express your desire for the relationship to be better.

If you are concerned your spouse is having an emotional affair, speak to them for what you feel. Share your discomfort.  Be honest as to what you are missing in the marriage – closeness, connection, physical touch, time together, communication.  Then, ask what they need from you.

Stay away from attacking or accusing your spouse – open your heart, feel the tenderness and speak from a place of love.

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”

~Audrey Hepburn

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