April 2014
Most people want to let go of their resentments and connect with people genuinely. It feels better to run through the fields in flowing cotton garments — not sit around in pajamas, twisted with bitterness.
It’s one thing to want to forgive someone intellectually – and quite another to actually feel that forgiveness – deep down to the bone.
And forgiveness can be confusing. If you forgive, does it mean that person is off the hook?
It’s as if one part of your brain is saying “It’s all good” and another is saying, “Ah, I don’t think so.”
Here is one client’s story to finding the key to forgiveness:
1. Thoughts Are Linked to Feelings
A few years ago, Chrissie was engaged to be married and she had a nasty argument with her sister with an exchange of angry words. Chrissie’s sister backed out of the wedding party and they hadn’t spoken since.
Chrissie was now pregnant and wanted her sister to be part of her life – but she didn’t know how to forgive her sister and extend the olive branch.
After a few sessions, Chrissie realized that her “I’m not good enough” radar was going off big time. Her hurt feelings were due to what she thought of herself deep down.
She also realized that her anger and resentment were playing a big role to protect her from feeling hurt. All of which blocked her from forgiving.
Like the unpeeling of an onion, Chrissie accessed new layers of understanding as she talked about her thoughts and feelings, such as – she never considered the perspective of her sister. Chrissie said, “I never thought about how hurt my sister must have been. I was always too busy thinking about my own hurt and my anger.”
At that moment, Chrissy stopped blaming her sister for her own feelings of hurt. And, began to inch toward forgiveness.
2. Feelings Need to be Noticed
Many people try to deal with their feelings by ignoring them.
Instead – try this. Just notice your thoughts and feelings — without getting caught up in them. Listen to them without trying to judge or fight with them. Feel them in your body while taking deep breaths to calm those feelings.
Chrissie said, “For years I tried to push down those feelings by working longer hours at work and totally burying them. But, as I increase the attention to my feelings — my anger and sadness decrease. I feel more understood – which brings me more peace. It’s actually the opposite of how I always thought it worked.”
I’ll Never Regret That I Asked for Forgiveness
After Chrissie reached the place of forgiving her sister – she realized she needed to ask her sister for forgiveness.
The first step was to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs she had done and how those wrongs had affected others. As Chrissie went through this process, I helped her to avoid judging herself too harshly.
Chrissie was now truly sorry for her side of the street and was ready to admit that to her sister.
Chrissie wrote her sister a letter that spoke from her heart — of her sincere sorrow and regret — and then specifically asked her sister for forgiveness. Five months later, Chrissie received a phone call from her sister who expressed her own sorrow, remorse and asked Chrissie for forgiveness.
Chrissie said, “The biggest lesson I learned is that I can’t force someone to forgive me and I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions. Getting in touch with my feelings gave me greater capacity for love — love for myself and for my sister.”
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