Archive | Relationships

Does Your Mouth Have a Mind of Its Own?

By in Anger, People Pleasing, Relationships

March 2016

What comes out of your mouth in relationships with those you love?  Do you use sarcasm, placating, bluntness, anger, explaining, silence, name-calling or do you give a perpetual apology? Perhaps you use passive-aggressive gestures that speak volumes … such as rolling of the eyes, slamming of a door or shaking your head.

Understand Relational Pain from your Brain’s Perspective
If you believe that “the past is the past” and it doesn’t impact you today — that’s coming from a very logical/rational area of your brain.  The amygdala controls and rules over your emotions — and it doesn’t believe that the past is the past.

The amygdala is part of the limbic system within your brain.  You have two small amygdala — they are the shape and size of an almond.  They are the powerhouse that stores painful memories and feelings from the past.  Much of it is in your unconscious.

Your responses (anger, irritation, frustration) become fused together with certain emotions (sad, alone, hurt, rejected, hopeless) within the amygdala. When you are hurt today — the amygdala attaches meaning on your hurt of today based on your hurts of the past.

The speed at which the amygdala processes is 5-6 times faster than your logical, rational thoughts.  Anger, irritation, frustration, blame, placating and silencing yourself … kick into gear before the logical portion of your brain even knows there’s a problem.

When you have been hurt or disappointed by people throughout your life (mom, dad, sibling rivalry/teasing, childhood friends, grade-school bullies, high school sweethearts, insensitive teachers/coaches, previous divorce/affairs), the amygdala stores those smells, sights, sounds, tastes, feelings to that painful memory and person.

When you automatically and repeatedly use the same responses over and over — you might begin to see the negative impact on your relationships:

  • Pulling away from your spouse increases the feelings of hurt/alone and rejection.
  • Moving toward your partner with defensiveness or irritation destroys relational connection, increases relational ache and drives loved ones away.
  • Drawing closer by appeasing/placating, solidifies your feelings of not being heard  and can boom-a-rang back at you since your partner doesn’t ever really know what you need.
  • Putting up walls guarantees your relational needs won’t be met and increases your own feelings of being alone, hurt and misunderstood.
  • Seeking out comfort from another person (friend or lover) to soothe your feelings – robs you from repairing the relationship with your loved one and feeds the relational sickness.

The Solution
Awareness of how you respond is the first step to changing it.  It means slowing everything down when you begin to experience a strong reaction (irritation, frustration, “not this again!”, shut down).  By slowing yourself down, you allow time for your logical/rational brain to catch up and realize that you have more choices in how to respond in that moment.

Giving your partner the same response over and over — puts your relationship on a perpetual merry-go-round that feeds the downward spiral.

A different response from you — gives a greater chance for a different response from them.

Easy?  No.  Worth it?  Yes.

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

~Albert Einstein

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When Friendship Crosses the Line

By in Relationships

February 2016

The shocking news of the Ashley Madison data breach last year put a spotlight on the hush-hush fact that millions of married people think that an affair will make them happy.

Most people understand that a sexual affair is a serious breach in a relationship.  Fewer people realize that an emotional affair is just as harmful.

Emotional affairs are insidious because: (1) they are often a slow process that begins as friendship and (2) they are equally as damaging as a sexual affair.   It can catch people by surprise because they don’t realize they have entered the deep waters of an emotional affair until it has crossed the line.

What exactly is an emotional affair?  It’s an affair of the heart that doesn’t include sex. A good litmus test: “Would I say/act the same way with my friend if my spouse were here?”

Platonic friendships can lead to an emotional affair. Emotional affairs can lead to sexual ones. The best time to stop infidelity is before it happens.

Notice the Bright Yellow Flags
You have a special friend and you experience  2+ of these …
o    Share personal information about your marriage
o    Feel good that they “get you”
o    Hold private jokes and secret meanings with your friend
o    Engage in innocent flirting
o    Turn to your friend for validation and support
o    Compare your spouse to your friend
o    Feel “alive” with your friend
o    Attack your spouse if they question the friendship
o    Share with your friend so you don’t “burden” your spouse
o    Talk about what’s missing in your marriage (and theirs)
o    Think of your friend often

Stop! Re-Turn Toward your Spouse 
What is an emotional need? It is a craving that when met, results in feelings of closeness, specialness, happiness and/or connection.  When unsatisfied, you feel frustrated, alone, resentful, devalued, misunderstood and/or unloved.

What should you do when you realize that you are experiencing a disconnection from your spouse and getting your needs met by someone else?  If you care about your marriage and your spouse – disconnect from your friend.

Then, make time to talk about what is going on for you with your spouse. The longer the problem is ignored the greater the damage to the marriage.  Speak for your needs – your feelings – and invite your spouse to journey back to a place of connection with you.  Admit your fault – ask for forgiveness – and express your desire for the relationship to be better.

If you are concerned your spouse is having an emotional affair, speak to them for what you feel. Share your discomfort.  Be honest as to what you are missing in the marriage – closeness, connection, physical touch, time together, communication.  Then, ask what they need from you.

Stay away from attacking or accusing your spouse – open your heart, feel the tenderness and speak from a place of love.

“The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.”

~Audrey Hepburn

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How to Talk About Anything with Anybody

By in Relationships

December 2015

  1. Create a safe, trusting space. First, check your emotions. If you are angry, disappointed or afraid, the person will either mirror your emotions or shut down. Remember why this relationship is important to you and choose to feel curious, compassionate, caring, respectful, and/or hopeful. Then consider how a change will help both of you.
  2. Ask for permission. “Open the door before you walk in” by asking the person if he or she would be willing to resolve a problem that is having an impact on your relationship. If the person hesitates, sincerely share why the relationship is important to you and ask if there is a better time to talk.
  3. Start by describing your perspective. Once the person says yes to your request, be specific when describing what behavior you witnessed and what words you thought the person said. Own your observation; share only what you believe you saw or heard.
  4. Describe the impact on you. Describe how you felt when the person did or said something that affected you. Were you hurt, embarrassed, surprised, or disappointed? Speak in “I” statements. Do not blame the person or speculate why he or she behaved that way. Simply state what you experienced.
  5. When the person responds, listen. Do not interrupt or defend yourself. Let the person give you his or her perception and reasons. Steps for listening:- Stay 100% engaged with positive, respectful attention on the person while they are speaking.

    – Release “knowing” what the person is going to share. Be curious.

    – Refrain from formulating what you want to say next while the person is talking. Maintain soft eye contact.

    – Notice when you want to admonish, criticize, inform, defend or give your retort. Calm these urges.

    – Wait until the person is finished before you speak. Then acknowledge what you heard and ask them if you’ve got it right.

  6. Suggest a way forward. This is your chance to ask for what you need the next time. What could the person do that would make you feel respected, acknowledged or loved? Be brief and specific. Ask what you could do differently that would be helpful for them.
  7. End on a positive note. Thank the person for agreeing to talk. Acknowledge what went well in the conversation and its importance to you.
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Let’s Talk About Happily-Ever-After

By in Relationships

October 2015

There is a typical laundry list of factors that lead to divorce (loss of communication, inability to connect, feeling unloved, feeling misunderstood, etc.). With the high rate of divorce — the smartest thing that couples can do is to seek counseling before they say “I do.”

Some studies suggest that couples who engage in pre-marital counseling have lower divorce rates.  The willingness to work on your relationship when you are still courting indicates a high probability that you will continue that work throughout the marriage.  And, to have clear conversations about basics such as money, sex and children relieves a lot of pressure as you head into marriage.

I often ask the question to couples, “What’s the elephant in the room?”  Or, “What gets pushed under the rug and not talked about?”  That almost always opens up a tender subject.

I see how beneficial it is for couples to deal with problems early – before it morphs into the Great Wall of China.  Why? Because the unhealthy patterns aren’t yet set in concrete.

After marriage, many couples settle into life and deal ineffectively with their problems which leads to consistent collapse in communication, absence of sexual relations or lack of quality time together. These relationships can typically be salvaged — with hard work by the couple.

As a therapist, I can say that the earlier a couple starts therapy, the better the prognosis for the health of the relationship.

The point is simple — couples counseling is a smart decision.

It might feel intimidating to think about expressing your pent-up anger, frustration and resentments.  Although, it is the expression of these feelings in a structured context that actually allows two people to deal with them and begin getting back on track.

What can you expect out of Relationship Counseling?

1) Strengthen Communication Skills: Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that few people possess. Couples that communicate well can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively. Good listening and speaking skills include feeling prioritized, heard, validated and loved in the relationship.
How often am I formulating my defense or retreat or comeback or poison arrow — when my loved one is attacking or withdrawing?

2) Explore Relationship Balance: How much attention is paid to the “you,” “me” and “we” of the relationship?  Couples who are out of balance can struggle with a number of issues. It’s important to identify whether you’re both satisfied with your relationship balance – or you might need to make a few adjustments.
Do I feel there’s a sense of equality and power balance in my relationship?

3) Identify Problematic Family of Origin Issues:  People learn much of how to “be in a relationship” from parents and other early influences. If one partner (or both) experienced unhealthy examples from role models, it is helpful to explore that in regards to how it plays out in the relationship.
How was conflict handled in my childhood home and what did I learn about making an apology?

Let us pray for peace, and let us bring it about,
starting in our own homes.
 ~ Pope Francis

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7 Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

By in Relationships

June 2015

1. There’s been an affair. 
People who have affairs find themselves in a confusing conflict between their values/morals and their behavior. For their partner, infidelity creates a violation of trust and a crisis of identity.  Affairs are an act of betrayal and, living in this digital age, it can feel like death by a thousand cuts.

An affair redefines a relationship and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be for their marriage – whether it thrives, dies or merely survives.

2. You routinely have dead-end fights.
It’s normal for every couple to have disagreements from time to time. But if you’re feeling exhausted and hopeless from constantly fighting with your partner about things that never get resolved, then it’s time to seek help.  Fights are about, “I’m right. I’m good. You’re wrong. You’re bad.”  When two people are fighting to be understood — the result is no one is heard and both feel hurt.

The solution is to identify your patterns and learn ways to rewire your communication so you get off the merry-go-round of endless conflict.

3. You feel disconnected, shut down or lonely.
The point of a relationship is to share your life with someone who cares about you, supports you and wants nothing but the best for you.

However, if you’re feeling disconnected, emotionally shut down or lonely in your relationship — you likely have constructed an “emotional wall” to keep the pain out.  The downside is that it also keeps the pain inside of you and prevents you from taking in love.

4. You feel insecure, clingy or jealous.
I often work with couples where insecurity and jealousy has become a big issue, to the extent where one partner ends up spying on the other partner through social media, dating apps and emails.

If trust has been lost and replaced by jealousy, the relationship needs help.  Not feeling secure with your partner puts enormous stress on both people.  Sometimes jealousy follows you from past relationships where there was a major breach of trust.  Other times, it might be your current partner who is acting in a way that raises new suspicions; such as communicating with an ex — and then minimizing their behaviors to put the blame on you that you are “overly sensitive”.  Lack of trust ruins authentic connection.

5. You are controlling.
Getting your way and being in charge might work really well for you as an individual. At the same time, it doesn’t always bode well for relationships.  When you view situations as a power struggle — it means there’s always a loser and you’re working hard to be the winner.  People may tell you that you are bossy or demanding and they get tired of being on the receiving end.

The problem is — most people don’t want to be controlled and will begin to rebel against you.

6. You avoid conflict.
People who are conflict-avoidant often think it’s a pathway to harmonious living. Instead, it creates imbalance. Communicating about relevant issues in relationships is a fundamental ingredient to an honest, authentic connection.

If you or your partner are constantly running away from dealing with conflict, this can be potentially harmful in the long run.  Learning effective conflict resolution skills is key so you can deal with challenging conversations and experience stronger bonds.

7. You avoid being vulnerable.
Being open and honest with your partner is a key ingredient to emotional intimacy.

If you want to be truly known by another person — you must be vulnerable. If you feel closed, defensive, or avoidant, your relationship will suffer. Learning how to be more open with your partner in a safe and secure way is important.  Vulnerability becomes a strength in relationships, not a liability.

Relationship therapy is not only for couples in crisis. It’s for anyone who wants more love in their life.

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7 Elements of the Perfect Apology

By in Relationships
May 2015

If you have been in a relationship for a while, chances are good that you have developed some not-so-helpful ways of communicating. Many times after you’ve done something to hurt or offend your partner, you add insult to injury with either no apology or a poor one.

Never apologizing or doing it poorly earns you the status of “jerk” in your partner’s mind. An inadequate apology often creates a slow-burn of resentment between you and your loved one. It essentially guarantees that the unresolved hurt will seep into the next interaction because nothing gets resolved.

Learning how to apologize is an art. Learn it well – practice it. The faster the repair with an apology– the faster the flow of love and fun will flow back into your relationship.

  1. Always make a face-face apology, when possible. Use email or text only as a short-term solution – and then follow-up with a sincere phone or in-person apology. Never use social media.
  2. Be prepared that there might be a bad start to your apology. The other person might use it as an opportunity to fire back at you. Keep your calm. These kind of defensive maneuvers from the other person comes from hurt and anger. Accept it. And, continue with your apology when they cool down.
  3. Tone of voice is key. If you aren’t sorry, don’t say that you are. Wait until you can give an authentic apology.
  4. Ask the other person how you can repair the damage, especially if you acted out in front of others.
  5. Do not joke to “lighten” things up. A sincere apology requires seriousness and respect for the other person and a humorous comment adds insult upon someone you have already injured.
  6. The word “but” erases everything that is said before it, such as, “I’m sorry I was rude to your mother last night but ….” Stop! End the sentence. The word “but” adds excuses to your apology.
  7. No cheap shots allowed when you are making an apology. For example, telling someone that you are sorry they are offended is basically the same thing as telling them that it is their problem – not yours. Take responsibility – use “I” statements for your side of the street, “I’m sorry I said mean things about your mother. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
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Can You Stay Sane While They Still Drink?

By in Addiction, Mindfulness, People Pleasing, Relationships, Stress Management

April 2015

When I work family members that have loved ones who struggle with addiction – the most frequent question I hear is, “How can I make them stop drinking (or using drugs or gambling or cheating or etc.)?”

You might ask yourself,  “What’s the magical thing that I need to say to them – what threat, what ultimatum?  Should I be mean – should I be nice – do I sweep it under the rug – do I get in their face?”  Perhaps you’ve even done all those things – and none of them work in the long-run.

If you have an alcoholic in your life, you likely understand that life with a practicing addict is generally quite chaotic at times, which might also be tempered with really good times.

What can you do to get off the roller coaster?  Accept you are powerless over the addicted person and detach from them.  You cannot control people, places or things.

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for your own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives, such as the desire to control the alcoholic.
Detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When you refuse to take responsibility for other people’s alcohol or drug use, you allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why daddy missed the school play, you do not have to lie. Instead, you can say, “That’s a good question. You’ll have to ask him.”

Detachment means giving up outcomes. Your job is the effort, not the outcome. Leave the outcome to God. Do your part and let go of the rest. You will begin to experience peace.

Detachment with love is not selfish.  It is freeing — and it is love.

Detachment is a choice.
Unconditional love is a choice.
Giving up control is a choice.
Being afraid is a choice.
Choosing to be peaceful is a choice.
Choosing to act, and not react, is a choice.
Trusting your loved ones to live their own lives is a choice.
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What’s Your Knee-Jerk Response?

By in Relationships, Stress Management, Work Issues
March 2015

A Powerful Predictor of Workplace Stress

The world is full of danger and when people feel safe, they trust and cooperate. When they don’t, they waste time and energy defending themselves from each other.

We live most of our lives wired and wound up, rarely pausing to relax or unplug from the daily grind.  What are the consequences of your ever-hectic life?  When you are stressed at work, you lose natural qualities of communication, compassion, patience, cooperation and creativity.

Why are some people and organizations more innovative, more influential and more profitable than others? Why do some people naturally command greater loyalty?

Research shows that what you do with your knee-jerk reaction is key to workplace stress.

Business relationships are often rocky due to poor communication, misinterpretation of facts and pressurized environments. Mole hills become mountains and mistakes become disasters in the course of a day.

Whether you are the president of the company or the assistant who sets up the conference room — your communication style can have an enormous affect on others.

Knee Jerk Reactions that Create Stress:
Passive or Aggressive Communication
When you don’t proactively ask for what you want or need from your employees/boss – you are passively communicating. With a passive style, you don’t often share your true thoughts and feelings, especially if you think it will lead to conflict.  You aren’t direct and succinct during or after confrontation.

Passive communicators often believe they ‘aren’t good enough’ and that ‘other people are better’, and so you take the ‘one down’ position.  This creates resentment and long-term stress.  You might resort to sarcasm or gossip to indirectly communicate your feelings — neither are helpful.

If you use aggressive communication, you take the ‘one-up’ position. You might attack, belittle, blame, criticize and generally denigrate the other person to get what you want.

People who speak with an aggressive style tend to use the words,  ‘always’ and ‘never.’   For example, an aggressive communicator might say, “You never finish your reports on time. You’re always sloppy!”

You might think your aggressive style is direct and effective but it tears down feelings of equality. Trust, faith, safety and goodwill in your workplace relationships will erode.  People will eventually leave you or turn on you.

Reactions that Reduce Stress:
Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is a balanced communication style that privileges each voice in the conversation equally. An assertive communicator will freely and respectfully disclose their feelings, thoughts, wants and needs in a way that can be heard by the other.

The basis of assertive communication is to treat all people equally. You support yourself in having a perspective and a voice, and you also respect that your employee has a perspective and a voice that may be different from yours, but is just as valuable.

Assertive communicators use ‘I’ language to express their thoughts and feelings.

Assertive communicators will expect that differences will arise in their team and be prepared to move into difficult and anxiety-provoking discussions with a goal of equality and resolution.

An assertive communicator doesn’t blame others for how they feel which is an important distinction from the aggressive communicator who will often blame others for the way they are feeling.

How to Shift Your Knee Jerk Response

1. Take a breath or 2 or 3. Slow yourself down for the briefest of pauses—just enough time to subvert your default reaction. In that moment, notice your gut reaction. How do you tend to handle poor performance? Do you get angry? Stressed? Needy? Distant? Your goal is to give people what they need to perform, not what you need to release.

2. Decide on the outcome you want.  Be specific — maybe it’s improved performance. What does this particular person need in order to turn around this particular poor performance or failure? Maybe it’s help defining a stronger strategy, or brainstorming different tactics, or identifying what went right. Maybe they need to know you trust them, you’re on their side and that mistakes happen.

3. Choose a response that will achieve the outcome you want, rather than simply making your already obvious displeasure more obvious.

The added bonus in changing your knee-jerk response?  It will improve your marriage and personal relationships, as well.  An extra goody for you and everyone in your life.

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Do Your Relationships Stumble?

By in People Pleasing, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

February 2015

I often see at least one of these characteristics as interfering in relationships:

  • Do you frequently go along with what other people want and disregard your own needs?
  • Do you make decisions based on pleasing others?
  • Do you stay in relationships too long?
  • Do you use sarcasm as a way to express your dissatisfaction with someone?
  • Are you always trying to make people happy?
  • Do you get silently angry with others because your needs aren’t met?
  • Are you afraid to assert yourself?
  • Do you occasionally lash out in anger?
  • Is the thought of conflict scary?
  • Have you been told you are too clingy or dependent?

If you have any of these self-sacrificing, conflict-avoiding or people-pleasing tendencies, you may be attracted to people who are controlling or enjoy that you focus more on them.   They may also be attracted to you because you let things go their way and you might even push their bad behavior under the rug.

However, this can be an unhealthy mix.  You are likely to get tired of your partner always getting their way or tired of their behavior. You may resent losing your autonomy and start withdrawing or become passive-aggressive.

Stephanie was dating Brett.  He was strong, confident, and easily took charge. Brett knew what he wanted and Stephanie was happy to go along because it pleased him.  This contributed to his falling in love with her. They married and everything went well for a few years.

Then Stephanie began to resent the fact that he made all the decisions in their lives. She wanted to begin a family and he wasn’t ready to have children yet. She tried to go along with Brett’s wishes so she stuffed her own feelings down deep inside.

This was such an important issue for her that eventually she became angry with frequent outbursts and threats of divorce. She didn’t even realize what was happening, blamed him for being so controlling and started to withdraw from him emotionally.

Brett was confused and responded with equally combative statements, wondering what happened to his supportive wife. He never asked her how she was feeling, in a loving and supportive way.  She never asked him for what she needed with compassion and honesty.

Their walls went up and the room grew cold.

Their pairing had started out well but it floundered.  She was stuck in a conflict-avoiding and people-pleasing pattern while he was stuck in a controlling pattern.  This destroyed their love for one another.

As in the case of Stephanie, even when you are trying to please your partner or avoid conflict or suppress your own needs, those negative emotions will eventually surface and tear you apart inside.

The resolution?  Self-awareness of when you are giving too much of yourself away and assertiveness to speak for your needs, wants and desires:

  • Be in touch with your needs.
  • Ask for what you want.
  • Set limits and boundaries with people.
  • Explore your fears as to what might happen if someone got to know you from the inside.
  • Give yourself compassion and self-love so you feel solid even if you aren’t in a relationship.

In order to get there, you will need the courage to face your fears and develop confidence in the right to have your own thoughts/opinions.  It takes practice but you can speak to others with love and respect for what you need.

Speaking out with anger, bluntness or sarcasm — doesn’t count.

You can unlock a whole new world of being a self-respecting, authentic and genuine person in your relationships.

People will love you for it.

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Silent Treatment Speaks Volumes

By in Anger, Relationships

September 2014

If the silent treatment is a key part of your marriage — your relationship may be endangered.  The silent treatment can spell ruin for a relationship.

Researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict and the most troublesome.  Research indicates that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other or feelings of hurt — it is felt as both emotional and physical pain. 

The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety.  There is also a higher likelihood that both people will begin to engage in practices to emotionally distance the other person.

When I ask a client why they withdraw – they often label the problem as belonging to their partner.  They state they have no other choice — that withdrawing is the only way to feel safe.  I often hear that it serves as the best way to “punish” the other person – they want their mate to feel the same pain they feel.  Clients often express that the silent treatment is a way of displaying anger in a safe and passive way.

The silent treatment is typically a strategy one learns as a child — to shut somebody out and to punish.  Pouting, running away and shutting down can be part of normal development as children learn to interact.  But it is an outdated strategy that has no place in healthy, adult relationships.

Researchers find that couples that use the silent treatment, experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with higher divorce rates.

Conflict is inevitable but how you manage it makes a difference.  Try these tips to break unhealthy patterns:

  • Be aware of what’s happening.  Each person should ask: “Why am I behaving this way?  What do I need to do or say to re-connect with my mate?”
  • Agree to take a timeout. When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before re-engaging.
  • Be careful of what you say.  You can never take the words back after they come out of your mouth
  • Use “I” statements.  Example: “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
  • Apologize with sincerity as soon as possible.
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