Archive | Anxiety

Creating Calm in the COVID Calamity

By in Anxiety, Stress Management

Late Spring 2020

The pandemic has created the perfect storm to escalate fear, worry and anxiety. We are dealing with uncertainty, social isolation, health fears and economic challenges. These challenges are hitting us and our loved ones all at once.  It’s as if someone flipped a light switch.

And, people don’t know when things will go back to normal.  That creates new layers of anxiety.

In the midst of the storm – this is a great time to build resilience.

1. Awareness: What is in the Present vs the Past?
Really slow it down and check your emotional temperature to pinpoint your fear/concerns (instead of just saying, “I’m anxious”).  What are your concerns exactly?

  •  job loss
  • loneliness
  • health worries
  • concern for loved ones
  • missing someone
  • financial insecurity
  • scared of the unknown

Ask yourself: How much of my distress is brand new with the pandemic and how much of it has always been there?

It is likely that some of your distress is specific to the pandemic and not anything you’ve ever been concerned about before.

And, it is also highly likely that some of your distress has traveled with you for a long time and you’ve never dealt with that fear/concern in a permanent way.  You might have ways of covering it up or pushing it down.  Yet, it comes back.  This pandemic can ignite old issues like wildfire.

Here are some examples of how past issues can fuel current fears:

  • An individual who grew up in a home where success/performance was highly valued might have built their identity around “doing well, working hard and being successful”.  This person likely has pushed down fear of failure for a long time.  In this time of economic uncertainty, their anxiety related to the threat of job/income loss will be more amplified than a person whose identity is not built upon performance.
  • A person might have been exposed to illness as a youngster or a scary medical event or the death of a loved one.   If that scary event was not properly talked about or explained to the child — this person might struggle with larger fears of death or illness during the pandemic.
  • An individual who took on a caretaking role as a child might be feeling exceptionally overwhelmed during the pandemic because their children/spouse are now home 24/7 and they feel more pressure to caretake.  Caretakers can be so focused on the needs of others that their unmet needs get pushed down even further, resulting in heightened despair and anxiety.
Dealing with issues from the past is something that a therapist can help you overcome on a permanent basis.  Yet, there’s a lot you can do for yourself during the pandemic to develop new tools to build resilience.

2. Build Resilience: Create a Gratitude Journal
There are many tools to increase resilience. One of my favorites is easy, simple and can be done individually and as a family.A Gratitude Journal entails jotting down things for which you are grateful.  Your list might be short or detailed — it might contain small and large things.  Make the list — and you will be left with a wonderful collection of inspiring material when you need a lift.Ask your partner and children to join in.  Begin your evening meal by each person sharing one item of gratitude — no matter how small.

Benefits of a Gratitude Journal
1.  Less stress.  By highlighting gratitude, you increase feelings of well-being and contentment.

2. Better sleep.  By reminding yourself of what you have to be thankful for, you are much less likely to ponder over your worries and more likely to de-clutter your mind for a good night’s sleep.

3. More optimism. When you choose to see more of the positivity in your life — you reduce the power of negative emotions. While these positive aspects of your life may be floating around in your subconscious, writing them down makes them more concrete and more real.

Lord,
Enlighten what’s dark in me
Strengthen what’s weak in me
Mend what’s broken in me
Bind what’s bruised in me
Heal what’s sick in me
and lastly
Revive whatever peace and love has died in me
~ ~ Unknown
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Divide & Conquer Your Anxiety

By in Anxiety, Christian, Relationships, Stress Management

Spring 2020

The media constantly informs us that the Coronavirus is highly contagious.

Yet, stress is equally as contagious. A recent study from the University of Hawaii claimed stress can be as contagious as the common cold and you can actually ‘catch’ anxiety from another person.

In these difficult times, we need to be paying attention to our physical health and our mental health.

Research from California shows that the best way to deal with stress is to share your feelings with someone who is in the same situation. When a person shares with another that they feel threatened or scared or uncertain — it creates a buffer from the fear and reduces the perceived threat.

It is absolutely true:
A problem shared is a problem halved.

The answer during the Coronavirus outbreak is to create new normal routines that keep you connected to others while keeping you safe.

  • Create more intimate gatherings or walks 1:1 out in the fresh air.
  • Talk to your children and be truthful yet provide age-appropriate information. Let them know they are safe and you will be there for them.
  • Avoid speculation with others and instead focus on the positives.
  • Choose family-friendly movies/Netflix and enjoy family time.
  • Connect with old friends via the phone or Skype.
  • Allow your children to bring their concerns up. It’s normal that children are repetitive about their fears until they feel calm.
  • Renew enjoyable family activities such as puzzles and games.
  • Validate the fears of those around you: “Of course you’re concerned. That’s normal.”
  • Employ coping skills that nurture your spirit, such as mindfulness exercises, meditation or listening to a podcast from your favorite pastor.
  • Put together a gratitude list and share it with someone close to you.
  • Don’t forget grandma/grandpa or the elderly — more frequent phone calls, cards and letters will soothe your spirit and theirs.
  • Get in a conversation with God – share your worries, concerns as well as those things for which you are grateful. Read scripture. Pray.

Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks up.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Staying Steady as America Becomes Unhinged

By in Anger, Anxiety, Christian, Mindfulness, Stress Management

Fall 2018 – Winter 2019

Are you feeling it too? It is everywhere — people are angry, overwhelmed and worried. Media outlets try to push ratings higher with minute-by-minute perspectives and commentaries that are disturbing and unsettling. Messages bombard us from every angle that our country is divided, kindness has vanished and someone is waiting to call us names if we share our opinion.

So, a key question is: How do I find calm in today’s world?  Recent research is pointing to prayer and meditation as an effective tool.

Stick with me.  Prayer and meditation does not have to be tied to a belief in God or to a particular religion.  If you are agnostic or atheist – don’t stop reading.

1.     Meditation & Prayer: Shifts the Brain Into a Soothed State
Dr. David Spiegel, from Stanford University School of Medicine, is a leading brain scientist.  He recently published research as to what the brain looks like on prayer.

“Praying involves the deeper parts of the brain— the mid-front and back portions,” says Dr. Spiegel.  “These parts of the brain are involved in self-reflection and self-soothing.”

2.     Meditation & Prayer: Produces “Feel Good” Chemicals
Feel-good chemicals, such as Oxytocin, are released during prayer/meditation which helps to soothe and lift our spirits.

During times of stress, our limbic system becomes hyper-activated, and we begin to operate from a state of freeze, fight or flee.   We  move out of a state of contentment and head towards poor decision-making and destructive behaviors.  The chemicals produced while praying return us to a state of equilibrium.

3.     Meditation & Prayer: Reduces Negative Feelings
Research done at the NYU Medical Center, utilized members of Alcoholics Anonymous who were placed in an MRI scanner.  They were shown drinking-related images to intentionally stimulate cravings for alcohol.   Participants used prayer to soothe themselves.  The MRI data showed dramatic shifts in the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for the control of emotion.  Participants self-reported a systemic shift from unsettled to an overall feeling of contentment.

4.     Meditation & Prayer: Prepares Us to Take Action
While there is certainly sound argument for the psychological benefits of prayer and meditation, one question frequently asked by those who are agnostic or atheist: What can prayer actually do in the world? 

The key is balance between prayer and action.  One purpose of prayer and meditation is to recharge our batteries and gain a more centered perspective so that we can move out into the world and create positive change: connecting, re-centering, refocusing and taking steps that create change without destroying other human beings who get in our way.

You can think of prayer as your protective coating for the mind-body-spirit so the action that follows is more effective.

How? If I don’t believe in God.
There are plenty of books, articles and videos out there that can help you with that.

I’ll share one of my own life lessons.  I worked with Harold and he used a phrase frequently when responding to someone who was struggling with pain, grief or loss: I’ll hold a good thought for you.  That statement was always accompanied by his warm, genuine smile.  You felt his care and concern.

One day I asked him what that phrase meant to him.  He said, “It conveys my open heart for that person.  I hold a deep wish that all the good forces in the cosmos come together for the best possible resolution for that person.  My wish for them is that they feel loved and cared for during their difficulty.”

He went on the explain – “I don’t just say it and move on.  I spend time envisioning them wrapped up in all the positive energy in the universe – and it making a positive difference in their life.”

In my 20-something naivety, I asked, “Why don’t you direct that prayer to God?”

He replied, “I come from a scientific family with agnostic beliefs – I was not brought up to believe in God.  Yet, if I die and I discover that God exists … I will hope that he was pleased that I was still able to pray – even though I didn’t believe in him.”

About a month after our conversation – Harold was killed in a car accident.

30 years later – Harold still crosses my mind.  I smile, think of him fondly and wrap my prayer in an interior whisper: Harold, I’m holding a good thought for you.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury, your pardon Lord
And where there’s doubt, true faith in you
Make me a channel of your peace
Where there’s despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there’s sadness ever joy

— Hymn, Prayer of St. Francis

 

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When Anxiety Drives Decisions – You Tend to Go in Circles

By in Anxiety

May/June 2017

The purpose of decisions is to usher you into the possibilities of life so you can live life more fully.

Anxiety cripples your ability to make good decisions and live life fully.  Why?  Because anxiety pushes the brain into a place of fear… that place is called the amygdala.  When you make fear-based decisions from the amygdala, the decision-making process feels rigid, uncertain and shaky. 

The Journal of Neuroscience published research from a University of Pittsburgh study that demonstrates how anxiety works to disengage the part of the brain that is essential for making good decisions. The pre-frontal cortex (PFC) is located in the front of the brain and it infuses an aspect of calm, creativity and flexibility into the decision-making process.

The PFC is the part of the brain that evaluates pros/cons, looks at consequences, generates options, scans for additional possibilities, and generates ideas of how to negotiate.  It looks at your emotional responses as well as those of your loved ones as important information and includes that as data in the decision-making process. And, oh-so-importantly, the PFC calms the amygdala, the part of the brain that runs on instinct, impulse and raw emotions (e.g. fear) – so that decisions are more balanced and flexible.

3 Tools to Take Anxiety Out of Decision-Making:

1.  Engage the Pre-Frontal Cortex with Mindfulness

Eliminate the distractions and allow your mind to be fully present in the moment. Engage in mindfulness practices to quiet the fear in the amygdala and strengthen the PFC for decision-making:  Sit quietly in nature –pray – reflect on your bigger purpose in life – meditate – turn off the TV/radio/internet – put down the drink or smoke or dip – stop the busyness – spend time with who you are and who you want to be.  

2. Take the Best

Lay out the pieces of information that you think should be considered to reach a decision.  Look for the one piece of information that is clearly more important than the others.  Stop. That one piece of information is often enough to make your decision. You don’t need the rest.  

3. Trust the experience of others

Ask someone you trust – not what you should do – but how they handled a similar decision and what their experience was — what were the upsides and downsides to their decision.  Often times when someone else has gone through something similar – their experience is an excellent data point to be considered.  It takes some of the mystery out of your decision.  
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Money Worries Bankrupt Your Well-Being

By in Anxiety, Stress Management

September 2016

Money is a major source of stress, according to a recent survey by the American Psychological Association (APA). Almost 3 out of 4 Americans feel anxious about money.

A study found that Millennials (born 1980 and after) and Gen Xers (born between 1965 – 1980) have significant financial worry as they struggle with under-employment, student loans and parenthood.

Worrying about money and debt impacts people individually and it tarnishes relationships. The APA reports that roughly 1 out of 3 couples fight about money.

Having more money does not relieve financial anxiety (2015 UBS survey). Half of those with a net worth of $1 million to $5 million believe that one wrong move, such as a job loss or a drop in the market, could cause their financial position to crash. And people in this bracket feel like there is not be enough time to recover and earn that wealth back, if that were to happen.

OUR BRAINS GO INTO HIGH ALERT AROUND MONEY
Why? The fear response of not having enough money goes back to caveman days. If a big black bear were to appear in the field as the cave dwellers were gathering berries, they would immediately go into fight, flight or freeze mode. As the sense of physical danger increases, their bodies responded accordingly (rapid heart rate, increased adrenaline levels, increased perspiration, dry mouth, tightened muscles, dilated pupils, etc.).

No differently than 4,000 years ago, our brains continue to be geared towards safety. The emotional part of our brain does not know the difference between emotional safety and physical safety. Money touches upon both physical and emotional safety – so it’s a double whammy to our brains.

On top of it all, financial anxiety feeds other anxious feelings – such as fear of failure, fear of being a disappointment, fear of letting the family down, fear of being seen as a loser or fear of feeling inadequate.

If financial anxiety is not dealt with in a healthy way — the increased physiological responses of these fears can destroy one’s health and emotional well-being.

CREATE CHOICES FOR YOURSELF
1. Create a plan. Gain a sense of control by writing out goals and targets. Whether the goals are to reduce expenses or increase savings – look at where you are at now and create a plan. Gallup reports that 80% of non-retirees and 88% of retirees with written financial plans had more confidence that they could achieve their financial goals than those without a plan.

2. Start Small. By focusing on what you can see ahead of you and the action that you can take now – will begin to reduce your anxiety. Start with the small goals first – the bigger goals will be easier as you accomplish the small ones.

3. Focus on the Positive. It is human nature to focus on the negative – what you’re doing wrong. Take some time to look at what’s going well for you with your money, debt, savings —maybe you’ve increased your 401(k) contributions or you’ve started to take your lunch to work or the value of your home has increased.

4. Use Anxiety as a Temporary Motivator. Anxiety can be a sentinel for the things that need to change. Once you begin to make those changes, allow yourself to let the anxiety go. It’s no longer useful.

5. Let It Go. Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen? Yes, you may have to cut up some credit cards, cut back on vacations or share a car with your spouse. These changes are not life threatening. Stop and soothe yourself: There’s no big black bear. There really is no black bear.

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Weeding Out Anxiety Organically

By in Anxiety, Stress Management

August 2016

Everyone feels nervous, jittery or anxious during times of stress —it might be when a relationship is ending, preparing for a job interview or waiting for the results from recent blood work.   That’s normal and most people experience anxiety from time-to-time.

Anxiety becomes a bigger problem when it is constant or at such high levels that it begins to negatively impact one’s life and the ability to function well in everyday situations.  Maybe you notice it’s hard to “stop and smell the roses”.

Reducing your anxiety levels “organically” means making changes to your behaviors and thoughts, so anxious thoughts don’t rule your life.  No matter the level of anxiety you experience — simple changes can go a long way to reduce feelings of stress.

One common form of anxiety is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), women are twice as likely to be affected with GAD as men.  GAD negatively impacts 7 million U.S. adults each year.

When a person suffers from GAD, they feel anxious most days and it impacts them in significant areas of their life (work, home, relationships). Generalized Anxiety is diagnosed when the individual has 3+ of the following symptoms for at least 6 months:
•    Irritability
•    Restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
•    Fatigue
•    Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless, unsatisfying sleep)
•    Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
•    Muscle tension

It’s always a good idea to get a thorough physical and to tell your doctor about your symptoms so that they can rule out any possible medical problems.  Medication for anxiety is always an option — your doctor can help you make that decision.

Anxiety is treatable.  Making behavioral changes and shifting your thoughts is a way to organically reduce anxious feelings.

5 ORGANIC DE-WEEDING TOOLS FOR ANXIETY

1. Soothe Yourself
Develop short, self-soothing statements that whisper right into the heart of your anxious thoughts/feelings.  Some of my favorites are:

  • I’m trying something new right now and it’s an experiment.  If I don’t do well, I’ll try something else – I can’t fail.
  • Other people’s opinions don’t define me.
  • Bad decisions from my past don’t define me.
  • I am doing the best I can with what I have.
  • I can’t control people, places or things.
  • One day at a time.
  • I’m not perfect and that’s ok.
  • No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

2. Limit Caffeine and Alcohol Consumption
Caffeine is a stimulant that triggers the fight-flight response (e.g. increase in heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, etc.) which triggers anxious feelings.  Alcohol can create a temporary escape from anxiety but can also exacerbate anxiety and cause panic attacks.  Be mindful of what happens to your anxiety after you drink alcohol or caffeine.

3. Reduce Social Media
In a recent article, I wrote about FOMO – Feeling Of Missing Out – and the accompanying anxiety.  Limit your involvement with social media sites to avoid comparing your insides to other people’s outsides.

4. Curtail Time Spent Watching/Reading the News
Sound radical?  The media feeds on sensationalism to provoke excitement, big reactions and fear.  Cut back on your news consumption for 30 days and see if it makes a difference for you.

5. Exercise
Physical exercise reduces anxiety and is a great stress management technique. Regular exercise creates a sense of calming, improves sleep, provides stress relief, and increases self-esteem. Even a 20-minute daily walk can be beneficial for anxiety.

OTHER INTERESTING TID-BITS ABOUT ANXIETY*

  • Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults (age 18 and older) — that’s almost 20% of the US population. (Original Source: National Institute of Mental health).
  • Anxiety is highly treatable.  Despite that fact, only one-third of people who suffer from anxiety seek treatment.  
  • According to a study published in the The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry,  people with anxiety disorders seek relief for their symptoms often through their medical doctors because the symptoms of anxiety mimic physical illnesses.
  • Anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.
  • Women are twice as likely to be affected with GAD as men.  GAD negatively impacts 7 million U.S. adults each year.

*The source for the information cited above is from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA)

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FOMO: Fear of Missing Out

By in Anxiety, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

JUNE 2016

FOMO
Pronunciation: /ˈfōmō/
Anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on social media.

This word/acronym is new.  It was added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2013 to describe the social angst tied to the usage of social media and electronics.

The anxiety that “others have a better life” has always been somewhat common among 20-somethings as they find their feet in this world as an adult.  They hear of their classmates landing exciting jobs in flashy organizations and can feel overwhelmed as they focus on their college debt and wanting-it-all-right-now.   Facebook and other social media amplifies that feeling – “you’re not doing as well as others”.

The social angst of “missing out on something” also hits 30/40-somethings that believe they should have it all together.  They embrace the fairy tale story woven through Facebook that others are rich, happily married and quite successful. They might notice a sinking feeling inside as they view the in-your-face affluence of a high-school friend, who posts a dozen pictures of her Hawaii vacation.

Even 50/60-somethings experience intensified feelings of inadequacy, regret in relationships and disappointment in fading career choices.  Looking through the lens of social media, it’s easy to say, “Look at Ben enjoying retirement — I should have taken that Federal job when I had the chance.  And, Sara’s grandchildren visit her often — mine don’t.”

Even those in the workforce who have a company phone or Blackberry might notice they regularly check their work email in the evening and/or weekends.  This is another form of FOMO.  The Fear of Missing Out in the workplace has underpinnings of anxiety (such as fear of failure or fear of being judged/criticized).   This type of FOMO drives people to be “attached to work” through their electronics, even though they are supposed to be off work and enjoying work-life balance.

Popular writer on psychology and technology, Nir Eyal (author of  “Hooked”), states that it’s important to remember that the feeling of FOMO is common and not unusual.  Nir offers these tips:
•    Delete social media apps from your mobile device. It is not as radical as quitting Facebook altogether but is a quick and relatively easy way to reduce social media use when you are away from the computer.
•    Take a hiatus from social media. Try staying offline for a day, a week, or maybe even a month. Examples abound of people cutting themselves off and waking up to the wonders of the real world.

My suggestions to clients include:
•    Create a written gratitude list (with pen and paper) to remind yourself of the good things in your life.
•    Focus on what you want from life and begin to live your life more fully, in ways that are important to you (not others).  I found the book, “Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren a game-changer for me in my early 40’s.
•    Have a basket by the front door — any work-related devices get placed in it upon arriving home for the evening.  It’s a great place for personal devices too during family dinners and social gatherings.
•    Develop a gentle mantra as you use Facebook, “This is not an accurate representation of reality” – so that you can relish in the good things happening to others while not robbing yourself of peace or contentment.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

― Theodore Roosevelt

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Anxiety — Fear — Worry. Oh My!

By in Anxiety, Mindfulness, Self-Esteem, Stress Management

March 2014

The distinction between “anxiety”, “fear” and “worry” is minimal and often indistinguishable. Whatever your emotional vocabulary, these feelings are uncomfortable, sometimes debilitating and not easy to avoid once they move in.

Unhappiness and discomfort in life is typically fueled by a few emotions; including anxiety, fear, and worry. They may feel like guests who showed up at your door and don’t want to leave. When tragedy or hardship hits, they might tighten their grip, setting up home in your head and heart.

These emotions can wash over you like a tidal wave or be an undercurrent of your daily life. Unrelenting doubts and fears can interfere with good quality of life while sapping your emotional energy.

Sara, a client from years ago, said to me, “I fear failure.  I worry about being rejected.  And, I certainly avoid making any mistakes.   That’s just who I am and I’ve always been with way.”.  Sara had difficulty sleeping through the night, was snapping at her husband/children and was eating more due to stress.  She sought help from me to experience more joy in daily life, worry less and sleep better

In one of the early sessions with Sara – she asked if we could use scripture verses in our work because they gave her peace, comfort and security —  and tied into her identity as a Christian.  Together, we chose this verse:
“The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6/ESV)

Sara began to shift into a new reality that she could live life without fear and anxiety in the forefront.   She was able to relax her anxious parts and address those fears with a calm and heart-felt interest.  Sara began to get to know these uninvited guests with patience and curiosity.  As her understanding and compassion for those emotions increased – their grip decreased – and she welcomed them with open arms.

Only when we heal the anxiety/fear and stop trying to make it go away – can we begin to live more fully in the present moment and move into the future with courage, clarity and hope.

Peace be with you.

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