3 Tips to Detox Relationships

JULY 2016

Tip 1: Identify your Side of the Street

You can’t change their side of the street.  That’s why it’s so important to understand how you navigate conflict and to fully own where you fall short.

Here are 3 very common patterns that people tend to lean into that don’t work:

1. Amp-up with anger, irritation or frustration.  This includes the use of any of the following: strong words, loud voice, sarcasm, blunt, verbal attack, threats, physical gestures or blame
2. Amp-down by emotionally shutting down.  This includes: not verbalizing what you are thinking, holding in anger/irritation, thinking it’s best to say nothing rather than stir up conflict, feeling hurt but not expressing it or pretending that everything is “just fine”.
3. Amp-down by physically withdrawing.  This is simply leaving the room/conversation to go somewhere else (e.g. the other room, for a drive, the gym, a friend’s house).

People who have an “amp-down” style of communication feel good that they never fight.  The reality is you don’t resolve conflict … you avoid it. People who have an “amp-up” style believe the bigger energy helps them to be heard.  It actually has the opposite effect

Tip 2: Change your Side of the Street
Now that you have some clarity as to what you’re doing to hurt the relationship — it’s time to start speaking for what you want to change. The goal in healthy relationships is knowing how to navigate conflict which includes boundaries and crystal clear communication.

Express feelings with short and direct requests with 1-2 sentences with a calm, compassionate voice. Drop any language that is blunt, laden with blame or sarcastic. It might sound like this:

• “It hurts when you criticize me. I need you to stop.”
• “Lower your voice.  I want to hear you – and I can’t when you’re loud.”
• “I’m not ok with your drinking.  I love you and I’m asking you to make a change.”
• “I withdraw when you snap at me.  That needs to stop.”
• “I want to hear your point of view and I want you to hear mine. I don’t feel heard when you talk over me.”

Tip 3: Fill Your Love Tank
Many relationships fail not because people don’t put in the effort but because people express their love in the “wrong” way.

The Five Love Languages, a NY Times Best Seller, by Gary Chapman clearly explains that each of us has a primary love language.  When you speak the right language to those you love — it fills up their “love tank”.   They feel more connected and loved by you.  And, it provides to you an easy way to ask for more love and connection.

Here are the 5 Love Languages, as developed by Dr. Chapman:

1. Physical Touch:  A person whose primary language is touch loves non-sexual contact including; hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face.
2. Acts of Service:  Can wiping down the kitchen countertop be taken as, “I love you?”  Yes! A person with this love language feels loved when people do things for them.
3. Gifts:  This is not about the monetary value of the gift.  Those with this love language thrive on the thoughtfulness, surprise and effort behind the gift.
4. Quality Time: For these people, nothing says, “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being “fully present” for the person with this love language is critical which means no TV, computer or chores to distract.
5. Words of Affirmation:  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. People with this love language, relish in compliments and affirmative phrases.